Magician Disillusioned
Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.
The Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan
Virginia Boy Scouts Stumble on Cheney's Undisclosed Location
Roanoke, Virginia, March 12, 2008 -- A Blue Ridge Mountains Boy Scout troop accidentally discovered Vice President Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location" last week, a press officer with Boy Scouts of America said.
Possible undisclosed location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location
The troop, consisting of a Scoutmaster and 17 boys from the region who were planning to camp for the night in the heavily wooded area, reportedly found the undisclosed location while hunting for shelter during a sudden hailstorm.
Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc
Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.
Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered
Cloned Giant Pandas Topple Chinese Government
Beijing, August 18, 2043 -- Cloned giant pandas have overturned the government of Chinese President Yo in an unanticipated cuddly coup d'état, diplomatic observers reported yesterday. According to Mr. Liu Wei, spokesman for President Yo, the coup is the end result of a government experimental cloning project "gone horribly wrong".
Panda Wu, Revered Revolutionary Leader of the Panda's Republic of Panda
Mexican Border Fence Comes Up Short
Mission, Texas, June 19, 2011 -- The Mexican border fence approved by President Bush in October, 2006 is now complete, but accolades for the project are few and far between.
Portion of Mexican border fence
The Secure Fence Act, which was touted by Republicans as a major border security initiative in the weeks leading up to the 2006 mid-term elections, is now viewed by many as a fiasco of the first order.
Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum
May 11, 2006 -- The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to "de-emphasize" rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as "godless Communist propaganda" in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as "the One True Way".
Earth (side view)
Bush Accuses Democrats of Also Lacking Plan for Iraq
Buttemonch, Oklahoma, October 9, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush yesterday repeatedly accused Democratic candidates of also having no plan for how to get out of Iraq.
President Bush touts his No Plan Plan in support of 2008 GOP candidates
The heated assertions came during campaign appearances by President Bush in support of presidential, congressional and senatorial candidates for the upcoming 2008 elections.
Dark Matter Mostly Socks, Keys, Ballpoints
Cambridge, August 12, 2024 -- A critical goal that has eluded astrophysicists for decades has at last been made possible: the discovery of the nature and composition of "dark matter" as well as a hint as to the function of "dark energy", two previously unidentifiable and unobservable substances that together comprise nearly 95% of all matter in the universe.
Dark Matter (detail)
NSA Domestic Spy Team Wins US Stock Traders Challenge For 4th Consecutive Year
Washington, D.C., April 9, 2008 -- Employees of the NSA (National Security Agency) won the coveted Federal Stock Traders Challenge for the 2008 season yesterday, marking the fourth straight win for the secretive communications surveillance agency.
NSA headquarters, Fort Meade, Maryland: Approximate location of NSA Headquarters, Fort George G. Meade, Maryland
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