Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
Bangcock, Maine, November 5, 2009 -- A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."
Evidence of a Second, Bigger Bang Discovered
Berkeley, California, February 19, 2009 -- The widely accepted theory regarding the creation of the universe via a single, momentous explosion, the "Big Bang", has been effectively turned on its head. Scientists report new evidence has come to light of a second, more dramatic explosion, that is theorized to have occurred a few nanoseconds after the first one.
Weather Report for April 19, 2078
April 19, 2078
Eastern
Coastal areas of the United States should expect several small hurricanes running from Maine as far south as New Jersey. Winds to be averaging 60-80 mph, with peaks in the low hundreds. Temperature in the mid 90s.
Central
A low-pressure system over Indiana and Illinois will likely result in some unseasonable blizzards. Residents of southeastern Iowa are recommended to remain indoors during the late afternoon, due to the risk of high-speed hailstorms.
Paris Hilton Video Network to Launch Friday
Los Angeles, April 2, 2006 -- Paris Hilton, the well-known heiress and underground internet sensation, announced her new Paris Hilton Video Network will be officially launched Friday. The network will initially be available to an estimated 120 million cable television and satellite subscribers in the United States and Canada.
Ms. Hilton said the network will offer "an eclectic mix of cultural analysis, philosophical and political debate and scientific discovery coupled with an engaging mélange of traditional entertainments including movies, game shows, and situation comedies."
Super Bowl XLIII to Feature Real-time Biometric Player Data
Burbank, California, January 30, 2009 -- For the first time in Super Bowl history, Sunday's Super Bowl XLIII will feature a remarkable collection of live, real-time data on virtually every aspect of each player's physical and mental state –- while they're on the field.
This technological marvel, which will be premiered during Super Bowl XLIII, February 1, 2009 on NBC, is expected to, in the words of NBC spokesman Greg Polanski, "completely revolutionize the way viewers experience sports television."
Pam Anderson Out-Pumps Arnold Schwarzenegger in California Governor Race
Sacramento, November 7, 2006 -- Pamela Anderson, the popular former Baywatch star, swimwear model, sex symbol and internet vacation video sensation, has trumped former body-builder and action movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger in the hotly contested race for governor of California.
Governor-elect Pamela Anderson
Earth Declares War on Venus, Loses
Ecofrex, Moltopribate, Jebruarius 36, 2498 -- Salutoriations and benevoloriums. Earth has declared war on neighboring planet Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun.
Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun
Italy Pins Stability Hopes on Medfly
Rome, Italy, January 31, 2018 -- A spokesman pro tem for interim Prime Minister Mario Piccolo announced today that a long-term effort to modify the Constitution of Italy to improve political stability has at last been approved by outgoing members of the temporary Parliament.
Forza Italia candidate Giovanni Lupitini
Blair Seeks Ban on Habits
London, December 2, 2006 -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today he will seek a ban on all public displays of habits, the traditional garments worn by monks and nuns, calling them "marks of separation".
Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)
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