China First With Citizen RFID Implants

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Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.

Study Finds Less to be Less, Not More, Than More

Sioux City, Iowa – March 29, 2019 – A three-year study performed by the respected Group for the Logical Reassessment of Paradoxical Phraseology (GLIBB) in Sioux City, Iowa has revealed that less is in fact less, rather than more, than more.

Van Gogh self-portrait: "lessened" versionVan Gogh self-portrait: "lessened" version

The determination is expected to have a wide-reaching impact on the manufacture and distribution of homely aphorisms throughout the American Midwest, a $3 billion a year industry.

In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan

Waziristan, Pakistan, July 22, 2009 -- After the emergence of a protest vacuum following the brutal slaying of Dr. George R. Tiller of Wichita, Kansas, the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue led by Troy Newman has relocated to the rocky outcrops of northwestern Afghanistan in order to "refocus" their "pro-life" efforts.

Paris Hilton Restoration Completed

Paris, July 12, 2010 -- After many years of neglect and ill use the Paris Hilton is now back in the spotlight once again. The Paris Hilton's management team hopes that the new look and internal enhancements that have been made over the last year will make her something that people will dream about spending the night in once again.

Jacques Baudrillard, the project manager responsible for the Paris Hilton's makeover, said, "We feel confident that that once people see this new Paris Hilton they will say, 'Paris Hilton, now I could have a good time in that,' and then come and stay the night."

GM Reveals the 2011 HUMMER Wee

Los Angeles, November 22, 2009 -- Ailing automaker GM revealed a radical new direction for its troubled HUMMER brand with the launch today of the HUMMER Wee at the 2009 Los Angeles Auto Show.

2011 HUMMER Wee2011 HUMMER Wee

The HUMMER Wee, according to GM spokesman Putney Shiphlick, "provides a winning combination of old-time machismo and trendy modern environmental do-gooderism".

New Wal-Mart Fitness Policy Breaks Ground for Employee Health

Bentonville, Arkansas, January 22, 2006 -- Wal-Mart's new employee fitness program has been a "dazzling success" in the first three months of its operation, a Wal-Mart spokesman, Chip Kraippe, said yesterday. The new policy, which was announced by the unusual means of a closely-held internal memo that was leaked in October of last year, dictates that all Wal-Mart employees are required to perform at least one hour of high-impact physical activity each day, regardless of their duty assignment.

Creationist Paleontologists Discover Dinosaur Saddle

Mud Flaps, Arizona, March 29, 2006 -- A team of creationist paleontologists from the Discovery Institute's main field research arm announced today that they had discovered the remains of a large manmade object confirmed to be an ancient dinosaur saddle.

Dinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, ArizonaDinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, Arizona

Super Bowl Halftime Show Hits New Low

Tampa, FL February 2, 2009 -- Despite the NFL having announced in 2004 that MTV would never be involved in another Super Bowl Halftime Show, NFL officials allowed MTV "to bear it all" as producer of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show. And bear it they did! Thereby demonstrating once again that never is not a long time in the the world of sports, entertainment and, least of all, business.

Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections

San Diego, November 9, 2006 -- Following the resounding defeat of Republican candidates in the 2006 midterm elections, President Bush hailed his party's victory during an epic speech this morning.

President Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 electionsPresident Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 elections

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