Bush Finds Iraq Exit Strategy in Crawford Dungarees

Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- President Bush startled lawmakers and reporters yesterday by announcing that he had found his Iraq exit strategy in the back pocket of a pair of dungarees the president normally uses while working off steam by clearing brush on his Crawford, Texas estate.

Bush's Iraq Exit StrategyBush's Iraq Exit Strategy

Study Finds Human Brain Capable of Finite Number of Thoughts

St. Paul, Minnesota, July 22, 2017 -- A groundbreaking study performed by the St. Paul, Minnesota-based Institute for Cranial Spelunking has determined that human brains are capable of generating only a finite number of thoughts before becoming "utterly expended or depleted".

Human brain - planned obsolescenceHuman brain - planned obsolescence

The ICS study is expected to have profound implications on many aspects of human endeavour that involve thinking, pondering, mulling, or cogitation.

China First With Citizen RFID Implants

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Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.

Bush Accuses Democrats of Also Lacking Plan for Iraq

Buttemonch, Oklahoma, October 9, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush yesterday repeatedly accused Democratic candidates of also having no plan for how to get out of Iraq.

President Bush touts his No Plan Plan in support of 2008 GOP candidatesPresident Bush touts his No Plan Plan in support of 2008 GOP candidates

The heated assertions came during campaign appearances by President Bush in support of presidential, congressional and senatorial candidates for the upcoming 2008 elections.

Bush Sees WMD as Key to Fresh New Way Forward in Iraq

Washington, D.C., May 16, 2007 -- President Bush announced today his "Fresh New Way Forward" plan for Iraq, the strategy for which hinges primarily on the equipping of Iraqi forces with advanced weapons of mass destruction, or WMD.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice explains President Bush's Fresh New Way Forward plan for IraqSecretary of State Condoleezza Rice explains President Bush's Fresh New Way Forward plan for Iraq

Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman

Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.

Greeting Card Writer Joins Bush Staff

Washington, D.C. February 22, 2006 -- Due to the recent spate of early resignations and arrests, the Bush administration has been crippled by a lack of experienced staff in key positions. Scott McClellan today announced that the search for an experienced deputy chief of staff to replace the convicted Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove would be former greeting card writer Sherman Alberts.

Microsoft Launches MS-Word Ultimate® With Poetry Checker

Redmond, WA, November 2, 2006 -- Microsoft Products announced today that MS-Word Ultimate®, available Spring 2007 and currently in the beta testing process, will include a Poetry Checker among its new features. While the product performs its designated functions flawlessly, it has nonetheless met with somewhat mixed reviews.

Ham Sandwich Inc. To Acquire IBM

Brockton, MA, March 3, 2011 -- Ham Sandwich Inc. announced today that it has signed a letter of intent to acquire all outstanding shares of common stock of International Business Machines Corp. (IBM) for $63 per share. The offer will be up for vote at a special meeting of shareholders scheduled for April 7, 2011. Should the tender be approved, the purchase will be the fifth major acquisition by Ham Sandwich this year, making it the 19th largest corporation in the world.

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