U.S. Army Secret Genetic Enlistment Program Offsets Low Recruitment Levels

Washington, D.C., March 19, 2007 -- Investigators poking the exposed underbelly of the otherwise heavily armored U.S. Department of Defense have uncovered a secret program that some have characterized a Machiavellian conspiracy, others a "collaboration of innovators", to boost future Army recruitment levels through genetic testing of embryos.

Army spokesman Rusty P. Grunt acknowledged the existence of the controversial program, known within the Defense Department as "Project G.I. Gene", but assured reporters there was nothing "ethically reprehensible" about it.

According to representatives of the investigative team, who have thus far wished to remain nameless for fear of reprisals from the military, the U.S. Army has been systematically testing embryos in lower- and lower-middle class prenatal wards for "genetic predisposition to military engagement". This project has reportedly been underway since at least the beginning of 2005, a year that saw the lowest Army recruitment levels in several decades, largely as a reaction to the failures and distortions of President Bush's Iraq conflict.

"It's nothing spooky or subversive," said Mr. Grunt. "All we do is take a little sample of DNA from the fetus, usually at the same time that an ultrasound or an amniocentesis procedure is performed. Our military geneticists, who are part of the system of covert laboratories set up by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, then test the DNA for the right genetic predisposition – what we call the G.I. gene. If the baby looks like it has it, we add that family to our list of people we want to visit as soon as preliminary recruitment activities are viable – generally when the kid's six or seven years old."

Mr. Grunt said the project should help significantly boost Army recruitment levels in the next fifteen to twenty years. Based on Defense Department projections, a major boost in Army manpower will be necessary at that stage to cope with an expected escalation of the ongoing Iraq conflict into a two- or three-front engagement.

With the Army failing to achieve recruitment quotas month after month, recruitment methods have become increasingly aggressive at the same time that standard have been lowered. Army recruiters now no longer look for high school graduates, or even functionally literate individuals, but have adopted a much broader "anyone who'll take the bait" approach.

On several occasions, Army recruitment personnel have been chased away from junior high and grade schools for "scaring the children", often by gray-haired homeroom teachers with broomsticks. These failures may explain why the Army has been exploring ever-more drastic recruitment methods.

Additionally, the investigative team found what may be a darker side to the project:

"What they say and what they do are, as always with this administration, two entirely different things," said one investigator, who requested that his identity remain anonymous.

"What they're really up to," he continued, "is eugenics of the most insidious kind. These freaks have already identified the so-called G.I. gene through DNA testing of thousands of their most consistently gung-ho soldiers. They know exactly which chromosome pairs to look at, which chunks of the DNA strands to tweak. And they've figured out how to tweak them on perfectly normal babies, to alter their genes within the first couple of months after conception so that they will grow up wanting to be Army soldiers. It's straight out of science fiction."

When pressed, Mr. Grunt admitted that "some limited genetic modification has been applied as a component of the test phase of the project", but stressed that the modification "is not harmful. Quite the reverse, really."

"All we're doing," said Mr. Grunt, "is giving the child a gift – the gift of gainful employment for life. How many kids grow up these days feeling lost, alone and angsty, feeling like outsiders, hating society. That's where a lot of the school shootings come from. What we're doing is giving them a predisposition to want a specific kind of job, and a job that we know will always be available."

"Imagine how that would feel," Mr. Grunt continued, "when you were a kid, just dreaming and waiting for your sixteenth birthday so you can go and enlist in the Junior Fighting Squad, finally get your rifle, finally drive your tank. When people get their dream job, they sometimes say it's something they always wanted to do, ever since they were a little boy or girl. All we do is give kids that dream. And we do it for free."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor