Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum

Bangcock, Maine, November 5, 2009 -- A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."

Conservative activists, flagshipped by right-wing intellectual icons Sarah Palin (former governor of Alaska) and Glenn Beck (who?), briefly hailed the result as a "victory for the defense of marriage as a throbbing testament to the sleek, symmetric, monumental pillars of our societal values".

(Ms. Palin was heard to add: "Symmetric, sure, I guess, but monumental? Dream on. Honey, I've had five kids. Give that man an oven mitt or something. I don't want to be here all night.")

"I think, as I think a lot of all of us Americans think, don't you think? I think, and I represent, yes, I know, but still, what I firmly believe to be a smallcosm of America and of us American values as we Americans," Ms. Palin said, "that what happened here today will serve as a shining beacon of hope to all of those of us who cherish the basic guiding principles up which this country of ours got foundered."

Voter turnout in the Maine Homo sapiens marriage referendum was estimated at nearly 18.25%, making the off-year referendum on Homo sapiens marriage one of the most broadly embraced issues in Maine political history.

"I think what galvanized the voting populace," Mr. Beck said, "was the part where I ate a live, de-venomed tarantula on national TV while simultaneously lamenting the collapse of our American moral value system and moving my hips in a very jiggy fashion, almost meringue-like, but in a less sexual pasty-white kind of way. Let me tell you, if you think that was disgusting, just how disgusting do you think it would be for the normal, decent men of and women of America to watch Homo sapiens - sorry, the very word itself makes me feel kinda nauseated - strolling up the aisle as if they had rights like any of us decent normal folk? Jesus Frigging Christ."

Following the successful passage of the Maine referendum, all marriages between members of the species Homo sapiens in Maine are officially rendered null and void, as of the hour of the passing of the referendum. Couples are advised to consult their tax advisers regarding financial implications of the change in law.

It remains unclear as of this writing as to what percentage of the normal, decent people of America who voted to abolish Homo sapiens marriage were complete imbeciles, and what ratio may be regarded as a protest vote.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor