Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman

Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.

”We believe this creature, who some call Godzilla, is random result of nature evolution. There is no evidence to connect the Godzilla lizard to any potential radioactive emissions purportedly leaking from the Fukushima Daiichi reactors into Pacific Ocean,” Mr. Katsumata said.

The creature, while large, has been determined by TEPCO scientists to ”pose no immediate danger to human health”.

Mr. Katsumata took over leadership of Tokyo Electric Power Co., or TEPCO, a few weeks into the ongoing nuclear crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear facility after TEPCO president Masataka Shimizu was hospitalized with dizziness and high blood pressure as a result of being frightened by a large, Godzilla-like creature peering through his bedroom window at 1:45 am during an episode of Bonanza, during which Hoss once again perpetuated the stereotypical divergence between physical robustness and intellectual acuity.

While levels of numerous radioactive substances, including cesium-137 and iodine-131, have been measured by TEPCO in Pacific Ocean water near the Fukushima Daiichi reactors at roughly 100 million times normal background levels, Mr. Katsumata said during a hastily-convened press conference, he explained that there is no reason to expect any long-term environmental damage as a result of the hitherto unconfirmed reactor leakage, nor any reason to predict dramatic, high-speed cellular mutations that could result in the sudden emergence of a creature similar to the Godzilla-like creature that has suddenly emerged as a result of dramatic, high-speed cellular mutations due to high radioactivity levels in Pacific Ocean water, possibly as a result of leakage from the Daiichi nuclear plant.

Mr. Katsumata's assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.

”Any radioactive elements which may purportedly leak from Fukushima Daiichi reactors into Pacific Ocean would be rapidly dispersed in ocean currents,” Mr. Katsumata said. ”Plutonium, cesium, radioactive iodine, strontium, barium and all the other -iums are swept away on ocean currents in the same way as algae, very small fish, and larger fish that eat them while following the currents they are all swept away on.”

The Godzilla-like creature has been described by surviving witnesses as a ”lizard-like, dinosaur-like, primarily aquatic animal of some kind, with a lot of large scary teeth.” Its size has been estimated at between 90 and 270 meters (300 and 900 ft.) long from head to tail.

The sudden appearance of the Godzilla-like creature was noted when it reportedly surprised and ate two destroyers accompanying the United States Navy 6th Fleet several hundred kilometers off the coast of Japan before slithering back into the depths.

A Greenpeace vessel, the ”Flying Penguin”, stationed roughly 40km off the coast of Fukushima and tasked with independently measuring radioactive contamination levels in the Pacific, was also swallowed whole by the creature. Greenpeace spokesman Beryl Pright described the incident as ”ironic, but annoying.”

Until the Fukushima Daiichi reactors are brought under control, which may take additional months or even years, Mr. Katsumata said, the emergence of other spontaneous unconnected natural phenomena in the Pacific such as that of the Godzilla-like creature would remain ”highly probable.”

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor