President Bush 'Ownz' on Runescape

Washington, January 14, 2007 -- Prior to the November 7 midterm elections, many political analysts wondered how President Bush would handle the last two years of his presidency if the Democrats seized control of the Congress. Nearly all agreed it would be a lonely time for a President accustomed to being surrounded by friends in Congress. None of the analyst's observations included the possibility that President Bush would retreat from the world stage to the world of online gaming.

It appears, however, that that is just what President Bush has done as he has been using the "Internets" to do more than to just use "the Google" to look at images of his ranch in Crawford, Texas, but is a passionate player of the online game Runescape.

Runescape, made by British game developer Jagex Limited, is a Java-programmed Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (MMORPG) based in the fantasy world of Gielinor. Players create characters and develop skills in order to undertake quests, earn wealth, battle monsters and fight other players. Runescape has over nine million active free players and over 850,000 paying members, of which President Bush is one.

A source inside the White House revealed that many senior members of the White House staff became concerned over the President's continuing removal from day-to-day affairs around mid November when he began missing his own Presidential Daily Briefings and on the rare occasion he did attend he kept referring to world leaders as "noobs" or yelling "owned" or "woot" at various points in the meeting. It has gotten to the stage that he now refuses to show up to his meetings and rarely holds press conferences. His reason for the withdrawl from the public eye was made clear in a leaked email to the senior White House staff, "I can't worry about those rl [real life] problems. Too many noob scammers around begging for 'phr33 st00f plox!'"

Another White House source who wishes to remain anonymous and is familiar with the President's various Runescape characters noted that President Bush discovered Runescape via various conversations with some of his daughters' various boyfriends during March and April of 2006. President Bush became increasingly fixated on his first character, Prezp00nage, which was a pure mage (no levels on melee, range or prayer) designed entirely for PKing (player killing). Apparently, the President had fun 'owning' with his mage at the lower levels, but became increasingly frustrated at PKing as his combat level increased (mage + hit points). The White House source noted, "On the eve of the midterm elections and while everyone was focused on the big day the President summoned some of the White House interns into the Oval Office to discuss ways in which his 'mage could stop being pooned in the wildy by rangers.'"

According to the White House source, this infamous meeting led to President Bush creating his prized combat level 67 range staker from which he claims to won a green party hat and over seven million gp (Runescape currency). This staker is more of a hybrid (some mage levels in addition to range levels in order to increase his hitpoints along with a bit of defense, but still without prayer) ranger than a pure ranger and the President has excelled in setting up the stakes and rules in the Dueling Arena to his advantage.

Avant News created an account on Runescape in order to catch up with President Bush on his hybrid range staker account, Leg0Las666, in game. He refused to add me to his "Friends List" until I traded him a D Scimmy (Dragon Scimitar) and 2k lobbies (2,000 lobsters).

The following is the transcript of the private chat conversation:

To Leg0Las666: Mr. President, I understand you have been spending a lot of time here.
From Leg0Las666: Lol, wanna stake, noob?
To Leg0Las666: No Sir. I am curious to know if you understand the country wonders where you are.
From Leg0Las666: Soz, Now I'm at greaters, but heading off soon to jellies for Slayer
To Leg0Las666: I mean in the Real World, Mr. President.
From Leg0Las666: O
From Leg0Las666: omfg, rl sux. This is where its at. W000t!!
Leg0Las666 has logged out
Leg0Las666 has logged in
From Leg0Las666: Soz, was lagging major.
Leg0Las666 has logged out
Leg0Las666 has logged in
From Leg0Las666: grrrr. ******* Jagex keeps loosing my connection!!!
From Leg0Las666: gonna switch worlds.
Leg0Las666 has logged out
Leg0Las666 has logged in
To Leg0Las666: Are you there, Mr. President?
From Leg0Las666: Sup?
To Leg0Las666: I only wanted to know what your goals are for the remainder of your term
From Leg0Las666: hmm…Full set of phats would be nice. Full dragon, full guths full torag
From Leg0Las666: 99 runecrafting. I want that cape and hood cos the emote is sweet
From Leg0Las666: Also, I want to get a lava cape, but I'll need prayer first. :(
From Leg0Las666: That's all. I'm gonna go alch some yew longs now. Saving for a whip.
To Leg0Las666: Well then, I guess that's about it then as it's difficult to reach you.
From Leg0Las666: gr8! L8r n00b! <3

Two days later the following message was received from President Bush:

From Leg0Las666: Hey, u got 500 gp I can borrow…I got haxed.

Immediately following that message the President was added to the ignore list. It truly must be lonely at the top.

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer