About Avant News

Tomorrow's News Today

Avant News is a one-of-a-kind news source that provides the ultimate in late-breaking news: news that hasn't even broken yet. News that won't break for weeks, months, years, or centuries. News that, in fact, may never break, because it is news from the future, stories that at the time of their writing represent data and occurrences that take place in only one of a potentially infinite number of possible futures. In other words, each news item is transmitted verbatim as intercepted at the time of transmission and is historically accurate, but the future's history is constantly changing and recent events in the past's future may have rendered them inaccurate prior to the time in which they received.

So how do we do it? To be perfectly honest, we're not entirely sure. Our editorial team (the members of which are constantly appearing and disappearing, often before they can put their coffee cups down on something stable -- it's really quite befuddling) uses a quantum phase disperser or some such shiny gizmo to intercept news items published or transmitted in our distant past (which may be anything from our readers' immediate to far-distant future) and retransmits them to what we are led to believe is an "internet" "website", terms that are highly anachronistic and the meanings of which have been somewhat blurred with age. Our archaeologists have unearthed trace evidence that such things did at one time exist, and we are fairly confident we know what they were for, but we can't be certain of any of this.

For all we know, we're simply sending signals in a completely random direction -- perhaps into our own future, rather than our distant past. Every once in a while, however, we do stumble over an indication that our transmissions have indeed achieved their desired effect, and thus we continue. Plus it's a rather diverting way to spend the, for want of a better word, "afternoon" (even though the considerable changes to the rotation of the earth we've experienced -- don't worry, you won't live that long -- have rather altered the meaning of that term. An "afternoon" now lasts over three years. We won't get into what "years" mean now.)

We filter every news item through our historical index to ensure that only stories that may have some topical relevance for the time period in which they are being read (somewhere between the years 2005 and 2025, as best we can tell) are displayed on this "website" (forgive us if we are unable to suppress a small chuckle. The term rings in our ears much as a term such as "iron horse" likely rings in yours). We therefore do not display, for example, sports and entertainment articles featuring people you've never heard of. At least we hope not. As new sports legends and film idols are manufactured, however, our filtering technology will detect them and begin to include future (your future, that is) news items relevant to the subjects.

Business articles featuring corporations that do not yet exist in your current time are examined on a case-by-case basis and may be featured if the business developments they describe have some current (for you) relevance.

While we assure you the mechanism described above is the actual method with which we produce and transmit our news items, for historical legal reasons we must include the following disclaimer:

Disclaimer

All material published on Avant News, with the possible exception of information provided by external sites, is fictitious, satirical, and intended for entertainment purposes only. While many of the individuals and entities appearing in articles on Avant News are real, all events, quotations and anything else having to do with those individuals and entities are entirely fictitious. As far as we know.