Masthead

Ion Zwitter, Editor

(biographical sketch currently snagged in wormhole)

Raoul Thibodeaux, Staff Writer

Raoul has been a member of the Avant News staff for over 112 years. Raoul is half Argentinian and half Cajun by heritage and American by virtue. He was home-schooled at the Jenna Bush Genetics Laboratory at the University of Texas and went on to earn a Ph.D. in Divine Intervention from Oral Roberts University. Raoul’s dissertation was entitled: “God: What is it good for?” In addition to his duties as an Avant News staff writer, Raoul has a been a contributing writer to Newsepoch and Glittery Gadgets. In 2137, Raoul was the “Reconsidered Final Determination as Substitute Second Deputy Alternate Writer of the Year” for his three part series on Equatorial Global Cooling. Raoul enjoys virtual camping and video-assisted hiking with his hologram life partner Chauncey and their nano-pet, Pissant.

Frumious, Staff Writer

(biographical sketch currently snagged in wormhole)

Haid D'Salami, Staff Writer

One of the numerous clones of Peter Jennings to enter the journalism industry in the aftermath of The Great Sperm Bank Break-In of 2031, Haid d'Salami upholds the tradition of in-depth reporting and personal integrity of his great, great, great, great, great, grandfather. However, due to ozone depletion and necessary cybernetic enhancements, Haid more closely resembles the love child of David Brinkley and a coffee maker.

Dang Long, Special Correspondent

MIT-trained Dang Long is Viet Nam's leading entertainment reporter. He is a frequent contributor to the HoloEdition of Vanity Fair and works as the wide-area real-time ghostspokesperson for several of Hollywood's allegedly articulate stars, including DELETED BY EDITORS and DELETED BY EDITORS. Dang is also the author of Making Sense of Mira Sorvino, Mena Suvari, Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman, as well as WTF: The Physics of MJ's Face and the coauthor of I, Cruise and Jude's Law: My Life Of Penile Amnesia. He is a four-time nominee for the prestigious HoloJournalist of the Year award.

Pierre van Bruschi, Movie Reviewer

Pierre is a sad, lonely man with few non-digital friends. When he is not viewing movies from a more innocent time, he tends to pass the long stretches of darkness by contemplating the end of time and staring holes through furniture which has enraged him. Constantly in search of that moment of celluloid perfection, Pierre seeks his destiny. Pierre has neither offspring nor foreskin.