Boehner Rises Above Taint

Washington, D.C., February 13, 2006 -- Recently-elected House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) vowed tonight to "rise above the partisan taint" that has divided capitol hill in recent years.

House Majority Leader John Boehner vows he will rise above tainted government

Speaking before reporters and lawmakers from both parties in the Capitol Building's ornate neoclassical Marble Perineum, Mr. Boehner said he would do everything in his power to "ascend from the unwholesome gulf that separates vital components of this great deliberative body".

Speaking in impassioned, often poetical terms, Mr. Boehner promised to use his elevated position to strive to restore the full glory of a sullied Congress. Washington pundits interpreted Mr. Boehner's speech as a vow to encourage congressional cooperation with bipartisan calls for accountability for the scandals that have plagued primarily the republican majority for the past several years.

With congressional hearings on the Bush NSA wiretapping scandal already underway, Mr. Boehner's remarks may also be interpreted as an attempt to squash one metaphorical bubble in the wallpaper before the next one pops up.

"Tonight, my friends, you see before you a proud, upstanding John Boehner, one who you can feel assured will walk erect, unfettered by controversies and contrivances, his head held high," Mr. Boehner said. "And tonight I call on you to help me work to enhance the faltering performance of the great deliberative organ of which many of us here are members.

"Many of us—our colleagues, our friends and our fellow Americans beyond this marble hall—have been soured by profligacy and profiteering, by the sight of America's bounty — veritable sacks of jewels replete with the life forces of our great democracy — bounding and flailing on the foul winds of unclean back-door maneuvering. I, Boehner, ripe with the passionate nectar of justice and democracy that fuels our nation, solemnly vow that this assault can — and will — come to an end.

"Dare I claim to have no taint? No, I do not dare, nor should any who stand within these marbled halls. And I would suggest those who do have the temerity to make such a claim reach deep, deep down, tightly grip their sacks of plundered jewels, the treasure of America, and take a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror first.

"When I was a boy, my father taught me, 'Son, a Boehner stands and delivers'. And tonight I stand before you trembling with the urge to deliver. Though I be tainted, as we all be tainted, my taint, my friends, is cleaner than most.

"But until all our taints are scrubbed clean, we may risk seeing the pillar of strength and righteousness that I display to you here collapse, deflated, defeated and dejected. No magic pill can prevent that. And until we have raised ourselves from the taint and probed deep into the heart of its adjacent iniquity, our mission will not be complete.

"My fellow Americans, I promise to you tonight that I will stand, I will probe, and I will not deliver prematurely before we have penetrated fully. And when we have achieved that goal, I will neither withdraw nor shrink from my duties, frightened that my missiles, if there be any, may have struck home."

Mr. Boehner's speech was greeted with resounding applause by attending reporters and members of both parties, with several members spontaneously ejaculating lines such as "it's about time someone took a stand" and "couldn't have come soon enough". Whether Mr. Boehner truly possesses the rectitude and stamina to rise above the taint, however, will remain to be seen.

By Ion Zwitter, Capitol Hill Special Correspondent