Howard Stern Claims Fatherhood of Madonna's Malawi Baby

Hollywood, November 12, 2006 -- Veteran broadcaster Howard Stern announced today on his radio show "The Howard Stern Show" that he is the real father of the baby boy adopted last month by Madonna in Malawi, surprising most celebrity gossip columnists, the Malawi Board of Adoptions, the father of the baby himself, and photographer Larry Birkhead, who claims to be the father of both the adopted baby, Madonna, Mr. Stern, and the Malawi Board of Adoptions.

Some random baby

Howard Stern's claim has also been disputed by musician David Crosby, who was acknowledged in early 2000 by singer Melissa Etheridge to be the sperm donor partially responsible for the creation of her two children together with girlfriend Julie Cypher. According to Mr. Crosby, a special vial of "Crosby Cool Super-Sperm" was used in the conception of the Malawi baby. "Why do you think the baby is named David?" the aging singer said.

This was countered by Madonna, who, while challenging both Mr. Stern's and Mr. Crosby's claims of having fathered the adopted baby from Malawi, has also repeatedly claimed to herself be the real mother of both of Ms. Etheridge's offspring.

In an unrelated development, over 2,800 U.S. soldiers have now been killed in Iraq, in a war that has so far lasted longer than World War II.

More importantly, Madonna's claims have been countered by Michael Jackson, who asserts both the Malawi baby and the Etheridge children were given to him as a "gift" by Deborah Jeanne Rowe, a nurse of Jackson's former dermatologist to whom Jackson was married briefly in the late 1990s, as part of a package deal that also included Jackson's son Michael Joseph "Prince" Jackson Jr. While Jackson makes no claim of biological parentage of either the Crosby-Etheridge children, the Madonna Malawi baby, or his own various offspring, due to "funny plumbing", he has asserted the moral right to all five children and any others that may have been overlooked in the shuffle.

Jackson's assertion has been hotly disputed by actor Brad Pitt, who together with actress Angelina Jolie claims to have produced a genetically perfect Aristotelian baby-ideal baby using sperm donated by Pitt with help from billionaire talk show host Oprah Winfrey and purchased from a secret Scientologist sperm bank maintained by actor Tom Cruise. The five month old baby, L. Ron Pitt-Jolie, is reputed to be the real father of Victoria Beckham's most recent progeny, Engelbert Beckham, who was reportedly mothered by former Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith while under contract negotiations with Sky News for the sale of photos of her late son, fathered, according to Ms. Nicole Smith, "during a commercial break".

Britney Spears, who claims to have independently fathered and mothered several babies, is expected to regain portions of her svelte pre-motherhood figure "sometime in the foreseeable future". Contract negotiations on her next tour are still pending that return.

Madonna, Howard Stern, David Crosby, Michael Jackson, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Victoria Beckham, Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith were all currently unavailable for comment due to vigorous and ongoing efforts to produce more headline-grabbing progeny. The 2,800 dead American soldiers were, unfortunately, also unavailable.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor