Checkout Clerk Adds Apples and Oranges, Earth Wobbles

Madison, WI September 14, 2014 -- Last week’s cataclysmic, global seismic event that resulted in countless deaths across the globe and property losses estimated to be in the trillions of dollars appears to have been caused by an unassuming checkout clerk in Madison, Wisconsin.

While most communication and transportation infrastructure have been largely destroyed, scientists, with the assistance of global law enforcement authorities, have been able to pinpoint the moment at which many of the fundamental laws of the universe were compromised and the location from which this radical stimulus originated.

Dr. Carl Nagas of the National Science Foundation briefed the press from the charred rubble of the University of Wisconsin’s former Camp Randall Stadium, saying, “By studying the global seismic holographs and readings from NASA’s space-based electromagnetic spectrometer, we have ascertained that the incitement toward the temporary abjurement of the fundamental laws of nature occurred a mere kilometer from this location.”

Dr. Nagas went on to explain that on Wednesday, September 8, at around 10:48 CST, a checkout clerk at a local convenience store added apples and oranges. Eyewitness accounts verified that this remarkable incident happened.

Jerome Wheeler was a patron at the store at the time and told investigators the following: “I just wanted a packet of Big Red and was in line behind this guy with a Packers hat. Then I noticed that the checkout lady was putting the apples and oranges together on the scale. The Packers guy wasn’t paying attention as he was fumbling around in his pockets, presumably searching for change. I should have said something, but I’d never seen anything like it before and was so caught up in watching her. Then she started to count them, all together like, and all hell broke loose.”

Authorities confirmed Mr. Wheeler’s recounting of events following a review of the store’s security cameras. The cashier in question, Beverly Grimmet, was instantaneously combusted and, therefore, unable to provide any insight into why she committed such a universally forbidden act. Law enforcement authorities have yet to turn up any evidence of this six-year employee having had any nihilistic tendencies or connections with any global destruction groups.

Dr. Nagas does not believe that Ms. Grimmet intended to cause such a devastating global seismic event, stating, “I feel it was just a momentary loss of her senses. Unfortunately, billions have suffered from this moment.” He continued, “We have all been taught since grade school that one cannot add apples and oranges. There is a reason for that. It is a fundamental law that we must keep in mind as we move forward. Survivors must now focus on rebuilding and begin the difficult task of reconstructing our lives.”

#UPDATE# A source familiar with the investigation who wishes to remain anonymous noted that investigators are looking into school records to find out whether Ms. Grimmet may have missed the particular day in school during her formative years when the warning about adding apples and oranges was shared. Authorities refused to comment on this speculation.

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer