God Chimes In On Intelligent Design

Chicago, IL, September 7, 2006 -- The increasingly vitriolic debate between religious conservatives and the scientific community took an unexpected turn yesterday when a voice confirmed to be that of God disparaged the idea of "intelligent design" as "a load of crap".

The incident occurred during the seventh inning stretch at a late-season game between the Seattle Mariners and the Chicago White Sox that took place yesterday at U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago. Game play continued following God's appearance, resulting in an 11-4 win for the Mariners. Ozzie Gullen, White Sox Manager, said he was "disappointed" by the Sox' poor showing.

"There must have been 65,000 witnesses," said Chad Polowski, one of the estimated 65,000 witnesses who witnessed the event. "We were finishing singing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame'. I was heading up for a beer, when there was this sudden light that seemed to glow over most of the outfield. Then came this incredible voice, a lot louder than the song. I don't know why He chose a baseball game. Maybe the organ music confused Him."

"The voice was unbelievable. It was totally saturated, deep, like James Earl Jones, only more so," said Ewing Thomas, another witness. "He started off with 'May I have your attention please.' When nobody seemed to be paying attention, the dugout burst into flames. It was wild."

When pressed as to the exact content of God's message, Mr. Thomas indicated he couldn't remember quite exactly, but that he had the gist of it.

"Basically, he said he was sick of hearing all this 'intelligent design' crap. He actually used the word 'crap', which I thought was kind of cool. He said he wasn't a frigging -- again, He actually used the word 'frigging' -- micromanager, and didn't set up the whole evolution system just to have to also come down a million times every nanosecond and tweak another species. 'Look at fruit flies, you morons,' He said. Then He said the intelligent design guys were questioning His authority and the wonder of His creation, and that He was getting pretty pissed off about it, and that this was His Last Word on the subject. Then the whole ball field turned bright red. Like, blood red. It really screwed up the last couple of innings. Nobody wanted to slide."

Mr. Thomas' account of God's message was confirmed by dozens of other witnesses who were interviewed after the incident. Analysis of video and audiotape of the event also confirmed that the voice could not have originated from any local public address system.

"The frequency range was off the charts. That voice contained everything from 4Hz up to 26,000, all wrapped up into one sound. It was quite fantastic," raved Julie Charthen, a sound engineer and baseball fan who happened to be present. "There's nothing in any baseball field sound system that can reproduce that range, and that's not even talking about the reverb."

Representatives of the Discovery Institute, a conservative "brain tank" that has been pushing with increasing success to have intelligent design dogma replace evolution and be taught as a "scientificish" theory, indicated "The jury is still out. If that was in fact God, that's a great and wonderful and glorious thing that He made His appearance and everything, but we're not about to send the checks back. We'd like to hear a little more from Him on the subject."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor