Confused President Bush Nabs Reggie Bush's Heisman Trophy

New York, December 10, 2005 -- An apparently confused and disoriented President George W. Bush appeared unexpectedly at Manhattan's Nokia Theatre in Times Square today to accept the Downtown Athletic Club's prestigious Heisman Trophy, the highest honor awarded annually in college football.

The president's crashing of the ceremony severely disrupted proceedings and cast some doubt as to whether the award will in fact be awarded to its actual intended recipient, USC running back Reggie Bush, who has long been considered a favorite to clinch the trophy.

"It was really bizarre," said Larry Huberto, a spectator at the event. "Reggie Bush's name had just been announced as the Heisman Trophy winner, and he was heading up to the stage to accept the trophy, when all of a sudden about a dozen secret service guys come charging in shouting and everybody freezes. About thirty seconds later, President Bush comes in and goes up to the stage, smiling and waving at everybody like we were happy to see him or something. The whole audience was just standing there with their jaws dropped."

According to several witnesses, President Bush strode purposefully to the podium, using the newly revised extra-purposeful walk he has been perfecting with his choreographer Vladla Sylvianne during his recent Asia junket, grasped the presenter warmly by the hand, and accepted the Heisman Trophy intended for Reggie Bush.

The president, apparently mistaking Heisman nominee Reggie Bush for a waiter, also asked the college football superstar to "get me a bowl of pretzels, and pronto", according to eyewitnesses.

"Then he gave like a kind of speech, only it was different from his regular speeches. More natural, kind of, and also stupider," said Bobby Derrick, another spectator at the event.

"He said 'I'm real happy to be getting this nice award, this Houseman trophy' – he didn't even know it was called a Heisman – 'and want to thank y'all for y'all's support. I didn't know cheerleading was even qualified for the award, but I'm real appreciative to be getting all your appreciation after all these years.' Then he just kind of grabbed the trophy and took off."

President Bush then had some difficulty extricating himself from the proceedings, fumbling several times with three different locked doors before a secret service agent showed him the one though which he had entered ninety seconds earlier.

"He kind of tried to pretend he was just being funny," said Mr. Derrick, "but he obviously was just too stupid to find his way out on his own. Must be the exit strategy thing."

A clearly disappointed Reggie Bush, commenting after the president's abrupt departure, said he assumes President Bush has his reasons for taking the Heisman Trophy with his, Reggie Bush's, name on it, but that he wishes he would give it back, or that the Downtown Athletic Club could make him another one.

"I mean, I guess he's an okay guy and all, but I don't think he really deserved a trophy for cheerleading, or being president, or anything like that, even if he has been feeling low about his approval ratings and Iraq and the indictments and all that stuff," said Reggie Bush. "Didn't he do that at Andover? I don't think he even played any college sports. Whereas I set a Pac-10 record with 513 all-purpose yards, including 294 rushing yards and touchdown runs of 45 and 50 yards in a single game against Fresno State just a few weeks ago. I mean, I don't want to be boastful or anything, but I kind of don't think the president really deserves the Heisman Trophy more than I do. Does he even play football?"

A spokesman for the Downtown Athletic Club, which awards the Heisman Trophy every year, said he believed the president's appearance may have been merely the result of a misunderstanding due to the similarity of President Bush's and Reggie Bush's last names, similar to the misunderstanding that propelled President Bush to public office in the first place.

"We've been contacting President Bush's office all day, but his secretary keeps telling us he's out playing on the White House lawn," said the spokesman. "That's all right, though. If worst comes to worst, we'll just activate the self-destruct device in the first trophy and get another one engraved for Reggie. God knows he deserves it."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor