Bush On Strike From Carlyle Group For Longer Vacations, Shorter Working Hours

Washington, D.C., September 26, 2009 -- Former President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the Carlyle Group, his place of employment, today by announcing he will be staging a one-man wildcat strike, effective immediately, for longer vacations and improved working conditions.

The former president, who during his eight-year tenure in the White House spent over five years on vacation and who during his presidency was accustomed to two-hour working days interspersed with naps and lengthy fund-raising junkets, said working conditions at Carlyle were "unaccepticable".

"I thought these jerks were supposed to be my oldest friends and patrons," said the former president.

The Carlyle Group, one of the world's largest global private equity investment firms with heavy investments in aerospace and defense, is considered by many to be a key element of the corporate "exit strategy" of high-ranking politicians, a natural place for Washington insiders to go to reap the rewards of the entitlement harvest sewn during their time in office.

Widely considered a lucrative sinecure for leaders and insiders who have included former secretary of defense Frank Carlucci, former secretary of state James Baker III, former president George H. W. Bush, former U.K. prime minister John Major, former secretary of state Colin Powell, members of the bin Laden family prior to 9/11, and former Philippines president Fidel Ramos, the Carlyle Group has long functioned as a streamlined conduit between the White House, the Pentagon, and a huge and shady web of corporate defense contractors, achieving their goals with a work ethic as ruthless as it is rigorous.

"I sure was surprised as heck when I started working here," said Mr. Bush. "You know, they want me to get to the office at 9:30 A.M. in the morning? I know war profiteering is a full-time job, but when the hell am I supposed to go jogging? And then they sometimes schedule meetings as late as 9:00 P.M. at night, when any decent Christian should be in bed watching Stacked on Fox TV."

Bush said he will be picketing the Carlyle Group offices at 1001 Pennsylvania Avenue, a few blocks from the White House, until Carlyle recognizes the special needs of its newest ex-president.

"First, I want longer vacations," complained Bush, speaking with the aid of a toy megaphone. "They give me a lousy six weeks a year. You know how fast brush grows in Crawford? There's no way I can keep it under control in only six weeks."

Mr. Bush also complained that the company had refused to hire a "reader" to assist him with summarizing and reading aloud any corporate communications and email with which he was presented.

"What kind of company won't hire a reader?" he whined. "You expect me to read all those emails, no-bid contracts, all that junk, myself?"

Mr. Bush said that he has always felt deeply empathetic to the plight of ordinary working people, and that he was glad, despite the hardship, that the strike will provide him an opportunity to demonstrate that empathy and his commitment to workers' rights.

"I'm taking it to the man ninety minutes a day, two days a week, right out there in the street," Mr. Bush said, adding that he will be taking a short vacation from the strike, effective immediately, to "do a little mountain-biking. But I'll be back, damn it, so Carlyle better keep those payroll checks coming. Or they can pretty well just forget about seeing any of that next defense appropriations bill."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor