Serge May Not Be the Final Answer for Iraq, Bush Admits

Washington, D.C., April 11, 2007 -- Three months following his high-profile announcement of new serge for American soldiers in the ongoing war in Iraq, President Bush has now implicitly admitted the inadequacy of the policy by calling for additional fabric shipments to the troubled region.

Portion of the January, 2007 Iraqi Serge

The serge, announced in early January following two months of discreet silence for the 2006 midterm elections, was initially described by Bush as a means by which to expedite a victorious end to US involvement in Iraq. Now, however, Bush appears to have retreated from that characterization with his new call for 77,000 additional assorted tweeds, khakis, and gabardines.

"We were clear that the January serge was only going to be a short-term, stopgap solution," Tony Snow, President Bush's spokesman, said today. "The President's January 10, 2007 serge announcement called for the shipment of 20-22,000 new uniforms based on the highly successful Women's Uniform Regulations, Yeomen (F), U.S. Naval Reserve Force, 1918, which specified coats 'To be of navy serge or white bleached drill, slightly shaped to figure, as long as to knuckles of hand when hanging; shall be single-breasted, with plain seams and rolling collar.'"

"Clearly, outfitting our Marines, soldiers and National Guardsmen in these snappy, practical outfits was and is intended to signal to the Iraqi government that the United States will stand fast in its commitment to withdraw as soon as the Iraqi military forces demonstrate the resolve to prove to us that we are no longer needed in the region," Mr. Snow said.

"However, to further demonstrate our resolve to encourage the Iraqi government to demonstrate the resolve of their military forces to let themselves get killed, rather than us, we will be expanding the serge with several new, extremely temporary, waves of fabric shipments over the next three to fifteen months."

Mr. Snow said the next steps in the multi-faceted fabric escalation include 20,000 tweed suits, suitable for educational and diplomatic efforts; 35,000 collections of fashionable khaki tennis- and softball-wear for use within the Green Zone; and 22,000 gabardine trousers, described by Snow as "stylish, yet lightweight and cool in the desert heat."

Responding to criticism from lawmakers and pundits that the president is merely "throwing good fabric after bad", Mr. Snow said President Bush is unwilling to "buckle to the negativity of the pessimists", preferring instead to sacrifice additional American textile resources to "dauntless, unshakable, pea-brained optimism".

Senator Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.), who has been critical of President Bush's Iraq policy, called the serge "a purely cosmetic adjustment of no material value."

"While undeniably a comfortable, durable cloth, Bush's serge did nothing to lessen the violence or strengthen the fabric of Iraq's troubled democracy," Sen. Hagel said, "and I don't believe the President's new clothes are going to make the situation look any better, either."

Mr. Snow said no new escalation of serge is currently planned, but stressed that all military and fabric options will remain on the table until the situation is "all sewn up".

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor