Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought

Montgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007 -- Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, is now urging Alabamians to increase pressure on the heavenly potentate with a newly proclaimed "Curse Drought" initiative.

Alabama Governor Bob Riley (Rep.)

"Governor Riley, through the power of state-mandated organized prayer, did succeed in convincing God to grant us a goodly dose of rain – about three inches – in July, but our farmers need a whole lot more than that if Alabama is going to recover from the worst drought in 100 years," Clem Artesian, a spokesman for the governor, said yesterday.

"With this new proclamation, the governor is stepping it up a notch. He hopes, through the Curse Drought campaign, to make the heavenly Father feel so shamed and remorseful about having inflicted this pestilential drought upon Alabama in the first place that He'll let up some and shift a load of cumulonimbus clouds down from the northwest, where they're apparently right waterlogged."

"Invocation to a celestial potentate is now a scientifically proven method of achieving specific changes to localized weather patterns," Lem Deffle, a theistic meteorologist with Gov. Riley's Direct-2-God (D2G) rain task force, said.

"Governor Riley asked people to pray last July, and boom, we got some rain. Cause, effect. Plus, it's cheaper and smacks a lot less of unwanted government interference than, say, a water conservation program, irrigation management, emissions controls or offshore wave-powered desalination plants. Down here in Alabama, we like to rely on our own mettle."

The text of the governor's proclamation announcing the Curse Drought campaign is below:

TEXT OF GOVERNOR RILEY’S PROCLAMATION:

WHEREAS, Alabama is suffering from a devastating drought that threatens the livelihood of many of our citizens and reduces the quality of life for all citizens, livestock, and baby pigs; and

WHEREAS, Alabama’s largest industry after bootlegging, agriculture, is dependent on sufficient rainfall, as, for that matter, is bootlegging; and

WHEREAS, low stream flows and lake levels are negatively impacting water use, recreation, crawdad collection and worm farming; and

WHEREAS, throughout our history, Alabamians have turned in prayer to God to humbly ask for His blessings and to hold us steady during times of difficulty; but

WHEREAS, God, as Ruler of the heavens and Master of the weather, is in fact the very One to blame for the aforementioned devastating drought, in His cruelty; and

WHEREAS, He who unjustly brings misery upon the heads of the good citizens of Alabama shall be held accountable;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Bob Riley, Governor of Alabama, do hereby encourage citizens of Alabama to curse God daily for inflicting Alabama with this drought and proclaim August 9 – August 16, 2007 as Days of Cursing Drought.

During this time, I encourage all Alabamians to curse individually and within their houses of worship the insufficient rain.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor