J. Lo., P.L.O. Swap First Initials

Jerusalem, June 22, 2007 -- Widespread pop diva Jennifer Lopez finalized her $87 million licensing agreement with the Palestine Liberation Organization, and the two parties will swap initials on Tuesday.

Lopez, fresh off an Academy Award for her performance as Gwyneth Paltrow in the Merchant Ivory biopic My End Has No Beginning, is reportedly ecstatic over the agreement, divorcing and remarrying alleged current husband Charlie Sheen three times in the past 24 hours. Lopez is hoping to tap into the burgeoning Middle Eastern hip-hop market (known as FellaHop) that took off with Eminem's crossover smash Playa Hatin' (Ain't Down Wit Occupyin' Forces), which went platinum in three days and factored in "several crucial" Interpol sting operations. It is unknown at this time whether the amply-posteriored actress/dancer/lip-syncher will designate herself as "Palestine," or simply retain the P. without any definite meaning, as billionaire "raprepreneur" Done (formerly Did formerly Diddy formerly P. Diddy formerly Puff Daddy formerly Puffy Combs formerly Sean "Puffy" Combs formerly Sean Combs) once did.

"To use the lingo of the fat, dumb teen market that will buy anything to gain peer approval, we're hella crunked," said P. Lo's agent, Myra Milstein. "We're already in negotiations to do the videogame soundtrack for Grand Theft: Israel, and we signed with Calvin Klein this morning. He wants P. Lo to be part of his Screw You Tommy Hilfiger line. We're thinking cologne."

Meanwhile, the former P.L.O. is also pleased with its end of the deal. "Look—we're not kidding ourselves here," said P.L.O. (now J.L.O.) spokesperson Amahl "Allah" Kalyu. "We're the Jennifa Liberation Army now. Is that good for zealotry? No. Do we make up for it in back catalogue revenues and tee shirt sales? We think so." Kalyu cited the deal as a "key component" of the J.L.O.'s new strategy, which marks a departure from tried-and-true incendiary tactics designed to disrupt the Israeli status quo. "The emphasis now," said Kalyu, "is toward opening up Miami-style nightclubs. God is great, but the margins you get in those babies are unbelievable."

Israeli government officials are publicly downplaying the importance of the deal. "Jennifer Lopez?" blurted Israeli Street Life Minister Shecky Greenbaum. "Please. How 1998 can you get?" Greenbaum went on to add that the Knesset had already passed on a similar deal with dentally innovative rapper Nelly. "There were issues with the K, and we couldn't make the economics work," said Greenstein. "Plus, that guy is just bonkers. Like, 50 Cent bonkers. Have you seen his crew? I mean, Jeee-zus. Whoo."

The hip hop world is treating the J. Lo-P.L.O. agreement with customary mixed emotions. Clarence "Suge" Knight has given it his blessing, stating "No police—no problem," during a recent lie detector test, while DJ Jazzy Jeff speculated "Is Will Smith involved? 'Cause if he is, I'm hatin'. That guy screwed me over. For real."

Done (formerly Did formerly Diddy formerly P. Diddy formerly Puff Daddy formerly Puffy Combs formerly Sean "Puffy" Combs formerly Sean Combs) was not available for comment.

By Dang Long, Special Correspondent