Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC

Washington, D.C., January 9, 2007 -- Leading Republican senators who had formed a Suicide PAC prior to the 2006 midterm elections are now reconsidering their positions, beltway sources report. The unusual political action committee was designed to ensure members' reelections by codifying a formal "loss provision", under which PAC members vowed to commit suicide in the event of failure at the ballot box.

Outgoing Senator Rick Santorum, co-founder of DOH!

Despite widespread interest in the Suicide PAC marked by record-breaking contributions from committed Republicans to the failed GOP juggernaut, some PAC members are now expressing second thoughts about the vow.

"I'd be lying if I said the election went the way I thought it would go," Senator Rick Santorum, a founding Suicide PAC member who lost his 2006 reelection bid to Democratic candidate Bob Casey, Jr. in a landslide, said. "With 20-20 hindsight, vowing to commit suicide if I lost may not have been the most rational or Christian thing to do, even though it really helped open the funding spigots. I'm going to have to think about this."

The Suicide PAC, officially known as Death Or Honor! (DOH!) was formed by Senators Rick Santorum (R-PA), George Allen (R-VA), James Talent (R-MO), Mike DeWine (R-OH), Conrad Burns (R-MT) and Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL) in late 2005, at a time when the GOP was deemed invincible in the Senate by nearly all political analysts.

DOH! funds were used to finance thousands of televised "issue ads" during the run-up to the 2006 midterm elections, most of which depicted opposing Democratic candidates as soft on necrophilia and supporters of "man-on-dog" sexual practices.

In an effort to encourage larger contributions from political supporters, the six members of the Suicide PAC signed a vow to end their lives by a method of their own choosing in the unlikely event they would fail to hold their Senate seats. The strategy proved successful: by November 5, 2006, DOH! had accumulated over $9.2 million in soft-money contributions from enthusiastic supporters of the vow, most of which was spent prior to the November 7 elections.

"There's no doubt in my mind DOH! was a winning concept," Senator DeWine said. "We all went into it completely convinced of the righteousness of our cause, the adoration and deep pockets of our constituents, and, to be honest, the near-zero likelihood that we would, as it happened, get thumped. But life is full of surprises, and a PAC is a PAC. After some serious thought, though, I believe the American people need me too much for me to go through with getting a cow tipped on me, which is the method I chose. I still have a lot to give."

Media magnate Rupert Murdoch, a major contributor to DOH!, said he was "spewin at all this namby-pamby shilly-shallying."

"Where I come from, a man is a man, a sheep is a sheep, and a deal is a deal," Mr. Murdoch said. "If they didn't want to off themselves, they shouldn't have climbed on. Hell, covey of gutless wusses. The headlines would have been bloody beauts."

Senator George Allen said he "forgot" about DOH! when conceding to Senator-elect Jim Webb, and may have decided to push for a second recount had he thought of it despite the fact that he trailed by a margin more than 20 times wider than that of Al Gore to George W. Bush in the widely disputed 2000 Florida election decision.

"I probably would have pushed a little harder," Senator Allen said. "But I've just been consulting my spiritual advisor, and it turns out Jesus doesn't approve when people bump themselves off, so that pretty well moots the issue for me. I had every intention of honoring my commitment to the Suicide PAC, but I owe my allegiance to a higher power. In the battle of Man versus God, God wins."

Representative Katherine Harris, who lost her Florida election bid by a margin of 99.98%, said she remains committed to honoring her DOH! pledge, but doesn't feel "the time is right".

"You, my people, know I always give it my everything," the outgoing Congresswoman said. "And that's why I'm not going to give it my everything just right now. There's another election coming up in 2008, and my party, my believers will need someone who knows how to fix it. I hear their call, and I'm prepared to answer it, even if it means letting DOH! down."

In response to DOH! contributors who have demanded their money back, citing the legal provisions on which the political action committee was formed, DOH! leaders expressed "regret" that they will be unable to fulfill their obligations, but assured contributors they "will be fully compensated in the next life."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor