Michael Jackson Found Guilty on All Counts

Brentwood, CA, August 29, 2016 -- The troubled nuclear physicist and former pop idol Michael Jackson has been found guilty on all counts in what pundits have labeled "The Trial of This Week". Sentencing is expected to occur early next month. Most courtroom observers predict Jackson will receive up to one month of house-arrest at his six-room condominium in Brentwood, and a fine of up to $400 dollars payable in cash or check.

Mr. Jackson has been on trial for the past eleven months, charged with several counts of willfully taunting small defenseless dogs. A jury has now found the 58-year-old superstar guilty of: "First Degree Slander of a Pekinese; Two counts of Second Degree Chihuahua Denigration; and Aggravated Assault of a Poodle and/or Pug".

The incidents in question occurred in July of last year, when Mr. Jackson was invited by the Temperate Mothers Club of Scottsdale, Arizona, to judge the canine competition at their annual fundraising extravaganza, "Dogpaddle". Numerous observers reported that Jackson, who appeared dazed and out of sorts during the preliminary rounds, became agitated and aggressive when several of the diminutive canines participating in the competition began to bark shrilly.

Matters came to a head when one dog, a dwarf French poodle by the name of Ramses, pulled Mr. Jackson's signature right glove from his hand, puncturing the material in three places. Jackson became distraught and violent, striking the poodle several times with the knuckle of his left pinky, inflicting, however, no permanent harm on the animal. He then, to quote one eyewitness observer, "had a fit, started throwing drinking straws and paper napkins at the little critters. He looked two of the Chihauhaus right in the eyes and called them shrimps, then he told one of the Pekes that it looked like a rat. It was a horrible sight."

The Pekinese has been undergoing rehabilitative therapy since the incident, and, according to its owner, Lucianne Repplety of Mesa, "still isn't her same old self. I have to spoon-feed her her morning giblets."

Mark Geragos, Michael Jackson's attorney, asserted they will appeal the ruling to the highest court, if necessary.

This is not the first time Jackson has become embroiled in legal difficulties. Early in the century, the pop idol stood trial accused of multiple counts of child molestation. After nearly eighteen months in the courtroom and many weeks of deliberation, that case resulted in a mistrial when it was found that ten members of the jury were actually a single giant squid wearing, in the words of Norman Small, courtroom reporter, "a very clever disguise".

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor