FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov

Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"

After an aide explained to the sub-assistant layout coordinator that an epidemic is generally localized, while a pandemic is worldwide, Mr. Brown went on to explain the many useful features of the new site.

"We've done a heckuva job with this site. What we have is, we have pictures, diagrams that show you how to protect yourself and your family if there's an outbreak, like in that movie, Outbreak, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, I think," Mr. Brown said. "We'll tell you where to stand in line in front of federal agencies until vaccine supplies are exhausted, how to barricade your neighbors into their houses so they won't infect you or your friends or family, where to buy duct tape to help seal neighbors' breathing orifices. How to euthanize a budgie. It's just a wealth of information. The server's down right now, but I'm told it should be up by tomorrow or the next day."

Ready.gov Avian Flu Site Screen Shot

FUBAR's Avian Flu site includes vital information regarding the warning signs of an avian flu outbreak, a direct link to a full-length downloadable MP3 file of Alfred Hitchcock's groundbreaking documentary on the subject, Rear Window, and printable manuals describing what level of government official is most susceptible, and what quantities of currency would be required, to bribe one's way to adequate medical protection.

"Since we expect our servers to be immediately overloaded when the outbreak happens, my advice would be that you start downloading now," said Mr. Brown. "We're hosting the Ready.gov site on a single 433Mhz IBM XT running a pirate version of Windows 95, and it's a little shaky. Plus sometimes we forget to turn the modem back on after making a phone call. If one of the FUBAR employees happens to be playing Mine-Sweeper when you try to access Ready.gov, for example, it'll usually crash like the stock market during a Republican presidency. To effectively circumvent any trouble of that kind during a major emergency, we've issued a No Mine-Sweeper Playing During Massive Avian Flu Pandemic rule here at the agency, and it's been pretty well received. We're planning to issue a similar directive for Solitaire."

The Avian Flu section of Ready.gov, built over the last two years by a Halliburton subsidiary, Amalgamated Dairy Products, at a cost of only $229 million, has already received several dozen hits since its launch last week.

"Most of the hits are in-house, judging from our log files, but that doesn't mean the site isn't getting accessed," said Mr. Brown. "Our employees are in just as much danger from a flu epidemic—pandemic—whatever, as anybody else is."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor