Bush and Cheney Issue "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist

Washington, D.C., January 6, 2006 -- Presidents George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released today a fact-filled "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist in response to growing national dissatisfaction with and debate regarding the preemptive war that many believe was based on false pretenses and intentionally misleading information from the Bush Administration.

Bush and Cheney have distributed versions of their Cheerful Checklist to major news outlets, lawmakers, and pundits in a coordinated effort to turn the tide of the conversation. Following is the full text of the Bush/Cheney Checklist:

Twenty Reasons to Be Cheerful About Iraq

1) Cheap black-market cigarettes.

2) No reported cases of avian flu.

3) Saddam Hussein no longer in power, which means he can no longer cut corrupt oil deals with Halliburton subsidiaries. (Editor's note: omitted in Cheney version.)

4) "Insurgent" and "terrorist" now syntactically interchangeable, enabling more economical and concise policy discussions.

5) Most Iraqi cars only drive a few feet before exploding, creating a continuing market for new cars.

6) The Islamic fundamentalists Bush put in power in Iraq have not formed an anti-Western strategic alliance with Islamic fundamentalists in Iran—yet.

7) When compared to Iraqi situation, the mishandled Hurricane Katrina catastrophe and continuing absence of schools, jobs or long-term housing for displaced victims in hurricane aftermath doesn't seem all that bad, really.

8) Green Zone now has a McDonald's! (Editor's note: currently under reconstruction following mortar attack.)

9) Dry, desert climate of Iraqi quagmire discourages comparisons to humid, jungle-covered Vietnam quagmire.

10) No exit strategy means military budgets can grow, and grow, and grow, and grow.

11) Ongoing status of military conflict means deficit can grow, and grow, and grow, and grow.

12) Too dangerous for elections monitors, therefore every election a resounding success.

13) Too dangerous for on-location media coverage, therefore every failure a resounding success.

14) No national health insurance necessary for suicide bombers.

15) Ditto social security.

16) Few gay weddings.

17) Iraqi defense department has now trained and armed enough troops to defend a medium-sized suburban 7-11.

18) No-bid KBR-built $450 million tsunami warning system now fully operational in Mosul.

19) Ahmad Chalabi still a vivacious and sparkling raconteur.

20) No weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq! Which is a good thing, because otherwise Saddam would have used them when the US invaded. Unless, of course, he actually did have them but spirited them out of the country when he knew an invasion was inevitable, thus depriving himself of his only means of defense, which seems likely if you look at it from a certain angle.

21) Bonus reason: Osama bin Laden still at large, providing continuing bull market for domestic homeland security industry. (Editors note: not relevant to Iraq war, but Bush and Cheney presumably have their reasons for bringing him up.)

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor