Democrats To Launch National Exorcism Campaign

Washington, DC March 12, 2007 -- As Gov. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), and his staff looked through the results from the 2006 midterm elections and compared them to entrance and exit polls it became apparent that something wasn't right with this election. Once again, the Republicans overcame the odds and handed the Democrats a startling defeat in their bid to gain the majority in Congress.

"Everything was stacked in our favor going into the 2006 midterm elections," said a forlorn Gov. Dean. "From the dismal approval ratings of the President and the numerous scandals revolving around Republican lawmakers to our positive message and firm plans on how to safely exit Iraq, we thought we had it in the bag."

Gov. Dean and his Democratic cohorts could not believe their ears as results began trickling in on election night. "It seemed like every Republican that didn't have a chance won resoundingly," Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee member Cheyenne Hilton exclaimed. "Tom DeLay even pulled out a victory with 62% of the vote."

Most political analysts also favored the chances of the Democrats as well. Bill Schneider, CNN's election analyst, stated, "never before have I seen election results in which candidates with such low approval ratings going into the booth coming out not only victorious, but staggeringly so."

Now the Democrats feel that they have an answer to the question that has been nagging them since the Republicans' November election victories, specifically, how can people vote for someone they don't like and that they themselves generally believe to be corrupt and evil? Their answer to this question appears to be an unearthly-induced form of hypnotically-controlled behavior, otherwise known as demon possession.

The demonic possession tactics and otherworldly hijinx are nothing new to the Republican Party. In the election of 1888 Republican presidential candidate Benjamin Harrison stole the election out of the hands of the Democratic incumbent Grover Cleveland. Despite Harrison receiving 100,000 fewer popular votes than Cleveland, he managed to carry the Electoral College 233 to 168 when his chief campaign tactician, Karlisimo Rovino, resorted to ancient voodoo tactics in raising the dead to vote Republican as Electoral College delegates.

Gov. Dean believes that many Americans have not only been brainwashed by their Republican leaders, but actually possessed.

"We were tipped off by a man named Neo, who claimed to have come from the future, that we must get hold of a certain book, the Necronomicon, to find the answers," Gov Dean recalled. "Luckily, we knew that David Gergen was going to be in the White House the next day, as he's always switching teams, and we tricked him into picking this book up for us. He found a well-worn, dog-eared copy on Karl Rove's desk and picked it up."

"As we began researching this special edition Necronomicon we saw to our horror that many of the sections referring to the twin demons h'Sub and Yeneh'C were highlighted in yellow," Dean said. "We put two and two together, looked at it backwards and called in the exorcists."

According to those familiar with the Democrat's highly secret National Exorcism Campaign, a number of neighborhood block party exorcisms will be held across the nation in conjunction with a large TV and radio campaign. Additionally, Gov. Dean plans to rally the blogger community to find a way to virtually exorcise many Americans as well.

"Being a Democrat all my life I have sometimes felt like I've been battling demons, but I never thought that I would be literally fighting demons," Gov. Dean confessed.

Bush administration officials could not be reached for comment as we were informed the entire White House staff was at an undisclosed location.

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer