Pentagon Propaganda Program a Resounding Success

Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- Independent investigative journalists at Avant News have determined that the Pentagon's Iraq Propaganda Program, which was heralded for the first time in a Los Angeles Times report in late November, has been a truly stunning success of the same caliber as the many other remarkable achievements enjoyed by the Bush administration and its exemplary war planners.

The Iraqi and American people continue to express their most fervent support for the propaganda program and its peerless progenitor, the Iraq war of liberation.

"Much as we would hate to blow our own horn," said Donald Rumsfeld, the handsome, eloquent, elegantly attired Secretary of Defense of the United States, "this program, not unlike all our other programs, has been a pure stroke of genius."

Under the Pentagon Propaganda Program, the Pentagon has been cleverly engaged in the practice of paying millions of dollars to have a Washington-based public relations firm, the Lincoln Group, to write appropriately flattering and optimistic articles about the continued progress of the successful American engagement in Iraq, then having these articles translated into Arabic and inserted into Iraqi newspapers, all without disclosing the involvement of the Pentagon.

Additionally, a number of Iraqi journalists known to be less violently anti-American than the majority of their peers have been on the Pentagon payroll, with the Lincoln Group acting as a middleman, and tasked with writing similarly positive reports on the uncorrupt, well-managed and flawlessly planned and executed American involvement in Iraq.

Although there is as yet only limited confirmation, some rumors have surfaced that the Pentagon Propaganda Program may not have stopped with Iraqi media, but may in fact reach so far as the American mainstream and independent media, even including smaller web-based media and potentially extending into the future.

President Bush, the honest, square-shouldered, admirably resolute commander-in-chief of the American armed forces, said he personally approved of the program.

"It's a method from which to get information into places where the informations might not get otherwise," said the hauntingly attractive, quick-witted commander.

The Iraq war, a multinational military engagement initially sparked by the continued refusal of rapacious dictator Saddam Hussein to reveal the location of his huge stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction and of his WMD manufacturing facilities, was a UN-mandated invasion in full compliance with international law.

The "catastrophic success" of the war began on March 20, 2003 with a highly successful series of "shock and awe" bombing raids that caused the terrorist enemy to flee in droves before the might of the international coalition's military presence. Following the resounding defeat of Saddam's elite military units, large numbers of Iraqi citizens turned out in the streets to spontaneously shower the arriving American and coalition forces with flowers.

The Iraq war ended less than two months later, on May 1, 2003, with the dramatic landing by co-pilot President Bush of a Navy S-3B Viking on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, which was anchored in heavy seas a few yards from the San Diego coast.

Bush, who was greeted with spontaneous applause and celebration by the crew of the carrier, announced the end of the war in a dramatic and quintessentially presidential declaration, dramatically backdropped all the while by a huge "mission accomplished" banner that had been spontaneously stitched together and installed by the crew, who contributed their own colorful socks and novelty underwear to the effort.

Since that time, Iraq, with the continued help of the United States and its many equal partners in the coalition of the willing, has rapidly progressed in stable, coordinated stages toward a full-fledged, freedom-loving democracy offering liberty and justice for all.

This resounding success, which has brought the United States closer to the international community and is a vital stage in winning the ongoing war on terror, has been only occasionally marred by the undemocratic efforts of small residual factions of Saddam Hussein's dead-enders and other enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government, who continue to pester Iraqis and coalition troops with rare and poorly-coordinated terrorist bombing attacks.

These types of attacks are steadily decreasing in frequency, as would be expected given the continued strengthening of the independent Iraqi government, media and national military presence.

"Our statistics clearly indicate a rapid reduction in nuisance attacks of these kinds," said General Peter Pace, chairman of the joint chiefs of staff. "For example, yesterday, between 13:02 hours and 14:27 hours, there weren't any explosions at all anywhere in central and southeastern Iraq. That's a big fat zero right there for the dead-enders."

Much of this unparalleled success has been credited to the highly professional implementation of the Pentagon Propaganda Program, according to Laurie Adler, a spokeswoman for the Lincoln Group.

"The world is a series of self-fulfilling prophecies," she said. "If you tell people that everything is fine with, for example, the economy, then consumer confidence will go up, spending will increase, and before you know it everything actually will be fine with the economy. We're merely operating on the same principle."

According to Lt. Gen. John R. Vines, commander of the Multinational Corps that runs the program from Baghdad, the Pentagon Propaganda Program has hired a coterie of highly skilled Arabic translators to prepare public relations material created by the Lincoln Group for insertion into Iraqi media, even including some local Baghdad slang expressions that give the reports a true Iraqi flavor.

"We found that the Homeland Security Department had nearly a dozen good Arabic translators they had been wasting on anti-terrorism activities, mostly having to do with Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida," said Lt. Gen. Vines. "We took the whole bunch."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Purveyor