John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement

Alexandria, Virginia, February 14, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain said tonight he appreciated Mitt Romney's endorsement of his candidacy, announced just hours ago, but that it would undermine virtually every aspect of his “straight talk express” if the 72-year-old senator were to accept the accolade.

“Look, I don't want to be a jerk or anything,” Senator McCain said during a brief highway rest-stop pause while the Straight Talk Express bus was journeying from Michigan toward Hawaii. “But please, give me a freaking break. Mitt Romney and I are at diametrically opposed ends of the Republican scale.”

“If I accepted Mitt Romney's endorsement and whatever pledged delegates he can provide, what would that look like?” Mr. McCain continued. “It would look as though I agreed with all of the really disgustingly wingnut-conservative stances Romney's postured with in order to make himself appeal to the Republican base. I can't do that; I'm a moderate. It would completely compromise my integrity, and if I don't have my integrity, what am I? Just an old coot who can't take an electorate's 'no' for an answer. So Mitt, thanks, nice gesture and all that crap, but no thanks.”

Mr. Romney, who according to an aide had anticipated his endorsement would be received with gratitude and mutual expressions of respect, admiration and even manly affection despite the often hard edges and sharp words of the Republican primary campaign, was reportedly “having a serious hissy-fit” about the McCain rebuff.

“I've said it before and I'll say it again,” Mr. Romney, already irritable due to what several top campaign strategists described as a “mother of all bad hair days”, said. “John McCain is a loser, a big dumb old closet liberal in wolf's clothing, and if people are stupid enough to vote for him, fine, they're losers too. War hero, my shapely ass. I'll see you in 2012.”

K. Carvel Dunkle IV, a spokesman for the suspended Mitt Romney campaign, said that in light of McCain's refusal to accept the endorsement Romney's sizeable collection of pledged delegates were now “up for grabs”.

“I guess we could give them to Mike Huckabee, but he's even worse than McCain, only in the other direction,” Dunkle IV said. “I believe, although he was too hysterical to say exactly, what Mr. Romney would prefer is that we sell them to the highest bidder on eBay. Mitt's out about 30 million of his own money on this campaign, so.... If Ron Paul has some deep-pocketed supporters, maybe that guy could pick up a few delegates on the cheap. I almost feel a little sorry for the guy, even though he's a crackpot.”

A spokesman for the U.S. Coast Guard said John McCain's Straight Talk Express bus was expected to be salvaged “within the foreseeable future” after having sunk to a depth of approximately 2000 feet off the California coast in an effort to reach Hawaii, but that Mr. McCain was unlikely to be available for comment until a large winch and derrick had been successfully positioned over what were described as “fulsome seas”.

“I don't really understand it,” Harry Trouff, the Coast Guard spokesman, said. “The Republican caucus doesn't even happen there until May.”

UPDATE

A damp, seaweed-draped spokesman for the John McCain campaign has informed Avant News that Mr. McCain will, on second thought, accept the endorsement after all.

"There's something called integrity, and then there's something called winning," the spokesman said on behalf of Mr. McCain. "And nobody likes a loser."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor