Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds

Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077 -- The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively.

The study, commissioned by the International Association of Disillusioned Researchers, examined over 52,000 studies conducted in a wide range of disciplines over the past 50 years. The study's conclusion, that virtually all studies are meaningless, would threaten to threaten the study industry itself were it not for the fact that the study, according to its own conclusions, is itself meaningless.

“We’re both stunned and relieved by the results,” said Dr. Winthrop Pigbladder, D.D.S., who participated in the interdisciplinary study study. “On the one hand, our data proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing whatsoever of substance is ever proved by studies of this kind. On the other hand, our study itself is a study of this kind. So where the hell does that leave us?”

Dr. Pigbladder, a philosopher-statistician-dentist who also dabbles in neo-classical picnicware and is, in the opinion of several colleagues who asked to remain anonymous, “complete shit at banjo”, led the groundbreaking study study together with a respected interdisciplinary team of researchers from several of the top institutes for studies in the United States. Over the course of nearly a decade, the team examined the data, methodologies and conclusions of a vast range of studiers across virtually the entire range of modern study-performing.

“Statistically, the chances of any particular study conclusively proving anything at all are no greater than the chance of a monkey hitting a particular conclusion scribbled on a whiteboard with a magnetic dart,” Dr. Pigbladder said. “And in the rare cases where a study actually does prove something, the chances of a new study disproving the same conclusion within one to two years are a good deal greater than, for example, the chance that the monkey will fondle itself in a manner deemed inappropriate in polite society, usually within three to five minutes. It doesn’t bother us, of course, but we’re pretty open-minded. You have to be, in the study industry.”

While the study industry is currently reeling from the shock of the dramatic findings, a counter-study seeking to conclusively prove the effectiveness of studies of this kind and commissioned by the Interdisciplinary Study Commissioning Institute is expected to render the International Association of Disillusioned Researchers study meaningless, probably within one to two years.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor