Whirlpool Stocks Soar on Back of Macrowave Non-Oven

Washington, DC January 17, 2011 -- Whirlpool (WHR: NYSE) stocks surged fifteen percent today on the release of their latest “must have consumer appliance,” the Macrowave Non-Oven™. The Whirlpool Corporation, marketers of Whirlpool, KitchenAid, Brastemp, Bauknecht, Consul and other major brand names, has seen its marketshare decline in recent years and has put all it can into this appliance that can be used to quickly chill foods and beverages.

“The Macrowave will do to refrigeration what the microwave did to cooking” said Whirlpool CEO Edmund Silver in a press conference today.

According to Fritz Henning, Whirlpools Chief of Development Research, “the Macrowave Non-Oven uses the same radio wave frequency of roughly 2,500 megahertz (2.5 gigahertz) as the microwave oven, with the twist that a frequency polarization calibrator has been added to reverse the tendency of the waves as they are absorbed in water, fats and sugars thereby reducing atomic motion – cooling.”

“Whirlpool really needs this one to catch on as their last four releases have been veritable flops,” said Michael Levine, a consumer products analyst for Citicorp Credit Suisse First Boston Smith Barney Morgan Stanley Merrill Lynch Salomon Brothers brokerage. “For a while there they were spinning out some strange products to the public, but this one may actually catch on.”

A few of those less successful products released were the Foie Gras Smelter™ and the Escargot-A-Go-Go™. Neither of those appliances sold more than 1,000 units despite an R&D budget of $150 million dollars each. Whirlpool later released the Sushi Steamer™ in the hope that the palates of middle Americans may enjoy the dish that never caught on. The latest attempt at reviving their once undisputed market dominance was the Chip Restorer™. Although 10,000 units were sold, most Americans seemed happy to continue pouring the potato chip crumbs that were left in the bottom of the bag into their mouth rather than pouring them into the $300 appliance for 1-2 solid potato chips.

Crowds of people have been lining-up across the country to be some of the first people to have this product in their kitchen.

Bobby Cutshaw of Elyria, Ohio, who had been standing outside of his local Circuit City since 6 A.M. said that he was going to purchase one for his father-in-law. “When we go to his house on Sunday after service he never has any cold beer. Now I can just pop one in the Macro and I’m set for socializing.” Bobby further added, “Plus, them Olsen twins sure are cuties, too.”

The Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, have been part of a $300 million media blitz by Whirlpool to get this product into American kitchens. One commercial has Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen both clad in scanty camouflage bikinis washing a Bentley whilst talking about the Macrowave.

“Whirlpool’s use of the Olsen twins to plug this product has been their best move in years,” said Levine. He added, “Time will tell if the Macrowave ever gets to be as hot as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.”

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer