Quantum Particles Have Tiny Faces

Pork Barrel, UT, August 30, 2019 -- Researchers at the prestigious Umberthumb Institute's Very Tiny Particle Refractor announced yesterday a remarkable new insight into the characteristics of the numerous and disparate subatomic particles that form the building blocks of atoms. Data from the recently enhanced reflector have allowed scientists to "view" the particles for the first time, with astounding results.

"The particles have tiny faces," says Dr. Yumble, Chief Ruminator at the institute. "It's quite astonishing, really. They have little eyes, little noses, little mouths. Different haircuts. One researcher even saw them talking to one another. He couldn't hear what they said, but their lips were moving in responsive patterns."

While additional research must be undertaken before any viable hypothesis can be developed based on the new observations, Dr. Yumble indicated the discovery may have profound implications on theories of subatomic structure.

"What this mean, essentially, is that atoms are fundamentally built of what can loosely be called extremely wee people. Each atom can be thought of as a little community inhabited by conscious beings who form a recognizable hierarchical social structure on a very, very small scale."

With 197 different particles thus far identified, the subatomic structure of an atom can thus be thought of as a tiny community, with its own Mayor, City Council, firemen, farmers, shopkeepers, and so forth.

"We already know that different particles have different weights and behaviors that have thus far only been predictable using quantum uncertainty calculations. Now that we've identified them as extremely small individuals, some of the seeming irrationality of their behavior could be explained."

Dr. Yumble said the research team will begin by assigning each elementary particle an anthropomorphic name, such as "Bob" or "Ted", to ease the shift into thinking of them as animate entities.

"There's a very chatty one we're thinking of calling Conan," he said, referring to the popular television talk show host of the turn of the century. When asked if any of the particles would be dubbed "Yumble", the doctor declined to comment.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor