Cheney Yearns for Return to Oil-Based Economy

Wichita, KS, January 16, 2047 -- In an exclusive interview with the award-winning Daily Mumbler of Wichita, Kansas, Former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke feelingly of his dream of "a return to the oil-based economy."

Interviewed at his home in suburban Wichita, the 106-year-old retired oil services company executive and former statesman discussed at length his feeling that the world had made "a wrong turn" in rejecting fossil fuels in favor of non-polluting, renewable energy resources. At times, his tone was wistful, at others vehement.

"I hate those assholes," he said repeatedly, referring to the members of OFF (Oil Free Future), the massive multi-national consortium that, through committed application of pooled governmental and industrial resources, successfully developed a range of alternative fuels in the first quarter of this century, thus rendering oil, as a fuel commodity, obsolete. Oil is now found only in highly specialized applications, most commonly in the production of certain Chinese aphrodisiacs, where it is regarded as an effective replacement for rhinoceros horn. While a scant few decades ago oil was collected and transported via a massive worldwide network of rigs, pipelines, and tanker ships, it is now only collected in naturally occurring tar pits and is no longer listed on any commodities market.

"We had it all," said Cheney. "Those dumbass bastards [referring to the general public] would swallow any crap we threw at them if it kept the shit flowing. Remember Iraq?" At this point, Mr. Cheney suffered from an outburst of maniacal laughter that kept him in a coma for some weeks. On reawakening, he continued, "That showed the damn Saudis, holding us hostage all those years. Once we took over and tapped those reserves, they were history. Then those OFF dickheads came and fucked up the whole thing."

Mr. Cheney referred to the former nation-state of Iraq, with which the United States was at war from 2003-2004, and which was occupied by the U.S. until 2023. Following the obsolescence of oil after the OFF consortium's dramatic achievements of the early 20's, the United States withdrew its 250,000 member force from the country, which immediately descended into civil war and dissolution, forming, after seven years of fighting that claimed an estimated 1.3 million lives, the five-nation region we know today.

"It was beautiful," continued Cheney. "We could send tsunamis across the international economy by just having one of our 'terrorists' blow up some pissant refinery. I made billions selling short."

The removal of oil as a destabilizing bulkhead of the international economy, of course, is widely regarded by leading economists today as the catalyst for the 22 straight years of single-digit growth thus far enjoyed by leading industrial nations, and the even more impressive 18 years of double-digit growth experienced in developing countries.

Mr. Cheney, who following his 19th heart attack is confined to a respirator, and who must be fed through a small tap installed in his upper thigh, feels nothing but regret for the transformation.

"Every pint-sized cocksucker in the world thinks he's somebody now," he said wistfully. "I just wish I'd done something while I still had my finger on the button."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor