Macon, Georgia, October 11, 2014 -- Scientists at the respected St. Ambrose Poultry Institute of Macon, Georgia have at last dispelled the widely held misperception that virtually every moderately unusual food tastes like chicken by proving that, in point of fact, nothing does.

"We've proven that, contrary to popular belief, it's actually a scientific impossibility for any known commonly consumed dietary substance to resemble the flavor of chicken," said Skinwood Neckle, Research Director at the Institute's Comparative Flavor Analysis section.

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.

Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.

Washington, D.C., June 29, 2007 -- Several of the small group of stem cell research opponents who signed the controversial "No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge" last fall are now embroiled in a legal dilemma since contracting various terminal diseases, all of which can be easily cured using medical procedures developed through embryonic stem cell research.