Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
New York, February 16, 2008 -- Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman.
The appearance was the first time Jesus has returned to earth with the specific goal of endorsing a political candidate, several pundits and religious scholars agreed, and may in fact be the first recorded reappearance ever of the widely admired supernatural entity.
McDonald's Launches the McCockroach
Oak Brook, Illinois, April 12, 2096 -- McDonald's restaurants, responding to customer demand for healthier and more varied cuisine, have announced a new assortment of culinary selections, the McCockroach Collection.
New McDonald's McCockroach Big Bug Bite
The McCockroach will be test-launched at select franchises in three major metropolitan areas over the next five weeks, to be followed by a nationwide rollout heralded by an unprecedented 12-media crossover advertising campaign.
National Knife Association Attacks School Violence
Buford Falls, Ohio February 18, 2009 -- Clarence Rattleford has wielded knives on a daily basis for as long as he can remember and to his recollection neither he nor those around him have been in any danger because of it. Now the 73 year old retired soybean farmer and aspiring whittler is urging others to fight for their right to hold on to their knives.
Additional Abu Ghraib Images Surface
Washington, DC, November 2, 2006 -- Just days before the U.S. midterm elections, previously unpublished images of abuse of Iraqi prisoners inside the U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad have surfaced. This represents the fourth time this year that Abu Ghraib torture images have been published and the timing could not have been worse for an already crippled Bush administration hoping to maintain what little hold they currently have on Congress.
Metalloids Depose Noble Gases in Bloodless Revolution
Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".
Glorious Revolutionary Leader President King Antimony
A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".
Yule-Mate Takes the Pain Out of Christmas Gift-Giving
Bedford Falls, November 12, 2026 -- The revolutionary Yule-Mate Personal Holiday Robot from Christmas Industries, Inc. promises a solution to the leading causes of consumer holiday stress: the finding and delivering of thoughtful, appropriate Christmas presents to your loved ones, friends, associates, employees, and domestic staff.
Yule-Mate in Auto-gift mode
Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.
Whirlpool Stocks Soar on Back of Macrowave Non-Oven
Washington, DC January 17, 2011 -- Whirlpool (WHR: NYSE) stocks surged fifteen percent today on the release of their latest “must have consumer appliance,” the Macrowave Non-Oven™. The Whirlpool Corporation, marketers of Whirlpool, KitchenAid, Brastemp, Bauknecht, Consul and other major brand names, has seen its marketshare decline in recent years and has put all it can into this appliance that can be used to quickly chill foods and beverages.
“The Macrowave will do to refrigeration what the microwave did to cooking” said Whirlpool CEO Edmund Silver in a press conference today.
Mexican Border Fence Comes Up Short
Mission, Texas, June 19, 2011 -- The Mexican border fence approved by President Bush in October, 2006 is now complete, but accolades for the project are few and far between.
Portion of Mexican border fence
The Secure Fence Act, which was touted by Republicans as a major border security initiative in the weeks leading up to the 2006 mid-term elections, is now viewed by many as a fiasco of the first order.
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
