Cloned Schrödinger's Cats to Flatten Future Tsunamis
Upton, New York, March 29, 2009 -- A team of physicists at Brookhaven Lab in Upton, New York are currently developing a revolutionary system that will protect coastal areas of the world against future tsunamis using the unique quantum mechanical characteristics of physicist Erwin Schrödinger's cat. The system should be operational within three years or as soon as a sufficient number of Schrödinger's cats can be cloned, whichever comes first.
STRAI tsunami cat (interior view)
Ashton Kutcher to Host Twitter's Reality TV Show
San Francisco, CA, July 13, 2009 -- Yesterday saw the surprising announcement that Twitter has brought Ashton Kutcher onboard to host its upcoming reality TV show. The show, Thy Tweeting Twit, is planned to debut this fall on FOX and will be direct sent from a location yet to be determined somewhere in the county of Warwickshire, England.
To tweet or not to tweet, that is the question
Dick Cheney Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
Washington, D.C., August 9, 2006 -- Vice President Dick Cheney has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Bush, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today. Cheney thereby joins the ranks of other top-level officials whom Bush has honored with the prestigious award, including former Iraq CPA head L. Paul Bremer, General Tommy Franks, and former CIA director George Tenet. Vice President Cheney issued no public response to the honor and has been unavailable for comment.
Tastes Like Chicken? Not Possible, Scientists Find
Macon, Georgia, October 11, 2014 -- Scientists at the respected St. Ambrose Poultry Institute of Macon, Georgia have at last dispelled the widely held misperception that virtually every moderately unusual food tastes like chicken by proving that, in point of fact, nothing does.
"We've proven that, contrary to popular belief, it's actually a scientific impossibility for any known commonly consumed dietary substance to resemble the flavor of chicken," said Skinwood Neckle, Research Director at the Institute's Comparative Flavor Analysis section.
Bush Announces Global Air Conditioner Initiative
Washington, D.C., February 28, 2006 -- Following the near-complete destruction of the White House last week in Hurricane Florence, President Bush performed a virtual about-face and announced today a new proactive administration position on what he termed "the war against earth heating".
BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
Auditions Begin Today For Bush's Experimental New "Reality Cabinet"
Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.
Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"
Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."
Gay Anti-War Immigrant Shoots Friend of Vice President Dick Cheney
Armstrong, Texas, February 15, 2007 -- A gay immigrant anti-war activist hunting together with Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot and seriously wounded a member of their party earlier this week in what has been termed an "alleged hunting accident".
28-gauge Perazzi shotgun similar to the one used by Mr. Thimbles to shoot Vice President Cheney's friend Harry Whittington
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