Cheney Proves Effectiveness of Torture
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2006 -- Vice President Dick Cheney, a leading advocate of the use of torture in the so-called "war on terror", successfully demonstrated the effectiveness of the technique this month by allowing himself to personally undergo a one-week program of "coerced interrogation", the compassionately conservative term for the practice. During the week, the Vice President proved the value of torture by unwillingly confessing to a wide range of infractions, some of them quite surprising.
China First With Citizen RFID Implants
Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.
Bill Gates Relaunches Self As XML-RPC Web Services Collection
Redmond, Washington, August 12, 2010 -- Bill Gates, citing "frustration with the inefficiency of organic processes", has relaunched himself as an XML-RPC based Web Services collection.
Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)
Big Savings for Military Procurement Using "IKEA Model"
Hampton Roads, Virginia, July 22, 2017 -- US defense secretary Alberto Fulshrop said today that the military's adoption of the so-called "IKEA model" last year has resulted in military procurement savings close to the projected goal of 10%, or over $183 billion. Secretary Fulshrop hailed the program as a "sterling success, and a genuinely fun project for all the enthusiastic do-it-yourselfers in the services."
C17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New Mexico
House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing
Washington, D.C., February 13, 2008 -- Roger Clemens appeared today to testify before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's full committee hearing on "The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Steroids in Major League Baseball, Day 2".
1985 Topps Roger Clemens rookie card in mint condition owned by the nephew of Rep. Elijah Cummings which may or may not increase in value when Roger Clemens is not elected into Cooperstown
Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
Treasury Sec. Paulson Calls Chain Letter, Lotto Buyback Cures to Deficit Woes
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008 -- Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., speaking at the annual meeting of the Conservative Economists' Union, today outlined a plan to alleviate the Bush administration's record federal deficit through "government chain letters and Lotto buyback initiatives".
Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr.
Ecuadorean Peasant Named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive
Los Angeles, November 14, 2011 -- A previously unknown peasant from the remote hillsides of northern Ecuador, Jorge Rafael Montalvo, has been selected as People's Sexiest Man Alive 2011, a spokesman for the popular human-interest magazine announced today. A stunned and disoriented Mr. Montalvo was revealed to members of the press during a gala celebration in his honor tonight in Los Angeles.
Ecuador
Quantum Particles Have Tiny Faces
Pork Barrel, UT, August 30, 2019 -- Researchers at the prestigious Umberthumb Institute's Very Tiny Particle Refractor announced yesterday a remarkable new insight into the characteristics of the numerous and disparate subatomic particles that form the building blocks of atoms. Data from the recently enhanced reflector have allowed scientists to "view" the particles for the first time, with astounding results.
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