White House Identified as Source of Massive Issue Spam
Washington, D.C., September 22, 2006 -- Investigators with the FCC announced today they have conclusively determined the White House to be the source of the chatty pro-Bush and pro-Republican "issue emails" that clogged an estimated 164 million American email inboxes last week.
While the rules regarding unsolicited political email are even fuzzier than those detailed in the CAN-SPAM Act regulating commercial email, a spokesman for the FCC did not rule out the possibility that criminal charges would be pursued.
World's Oldest Person Not Yet Dead
Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.
Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."
Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper to Make “Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies”
Malibu, California, February 24, 2008 -- At a rambunctious, rowdy, star-studded post-Oscar afterparty tonight here in Malibu, California, actors Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson announced they will be producing and starring in Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies, a sequel to the cult classic
Jack Nicholson and Dennis Hopper announce upcoming production of Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies
AutoChat Fills the Solo Driver's Cell Phone Void
Singapore, August 29, 2008 -- With worldwide automotive cell phone use becoming a thing of the past due to increasingly stringent safety restrictions, Singapore-based CarMate Industries has announced a new product that aims to fill the resulting void in conversation: AutoChat. AutoChat, according to company spokesman Ni Kwai, is a fully-automated, AI-capable automotive speaking companion mainly targeting solo drivers that can engage in lively and prolonged "real-time" conversations on a wide variety of topics.
19 Year Old Diebold Technician Wins U.S. Presidency
Washington, D.C., November 5, 2008 -- In a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via SMS at the garage apartment by his mother's house in which he currently resides, said he was "real psyched about being the president" and "had big plans for the inauguration party".
Italy Pins Stability Hopes on Medfly
Rome, Italy, January 31, 2018 -- A spokesman pro tem for interim Prime Minister Mario Piccolo announced today that a long-term effort to modify the Constitution of Italy to improve political stability has at last been approved by outgoing members of the temporary Parliament.
Forza Italia candidate Giovanni Lupitini
Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
New York, February 16, 2008 -- Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman.
The appearance was the first time Jesus has returned to earth with the specific goal of endorsing a political candidate, several pundits and religious scholars agreed, and may in fact be the first recorded reappearance ever of the widely admired supernatural entity.
39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest
Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.
Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.
God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges
Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.
H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
