Ford, GM to Acquire Each Other
Detroit, August 19, 2009 -- Automotive giants Ford Motor Company (F) and General Motors (GM) galvanized American stock markets early this afternoon with nearly simultaneous hostile bids to acquire each other.
Ford was out first, issuing a bid to buy all outstanding shares of GM for $40 a share, a 30% premium on Friday's closing price. Mere seconds later, GM announced a bid to acquire Ford for $9 a share, a 35% premium. Shares in both industrial giants skyrocketed during the subsequent buying frenzy.
Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants
Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.
LA Kobe Bryants, Team Photo
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to Defuse North Korea's Nuclear Ambitions
Los Angeles, October 11, 2007 -- Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, three times voted leading members of the paparazzi "glutterati" squad, have been selected by President Bush to lead the diplomatic charge against North Korea's newfound nuclear club membership.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, U.S. diplomatic envoys to North Korea
Wider Panama Canal Makes Room for Airbus A380
Isthmus of Panama, August 8, 2014 -- The ambitious, eight-year project to widen the Panama Canal is now complete, with the inaugural transit of the first Airbus A380 Superjumbo scheduled to take place on August 15.
Panama Canal (detail)
Grover Norquist Drowns in Bathtub
Washington, D.C., June 8, 2025 -- Americans for Tax Reform head Grover Norquist reportedly drowned in his bathtub last Thursday in a freak accident that some witnesses describe as "an unfortunate confluence of mutually destructive events".
Bathtub similar to the one in which Grover Norquist reportedly drowned last week
Human Error Cited in Rove Exorcism SNAFU
Washington, D.C., November 27, 2007 -- Human error was cited as the cause of the latest failure to exorcise what leading demonologists have termed "an unprecedented can of infernal worms" from the tormented soul of White House Special Advisor Karl Rove.
Bush Turns to Biblical Units in War on Terror
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2006 -- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today a new Bush administration initiative to shift toward biblical units of weights and measures in the United States in an effort to "confuse evildoers and terrorists." The proposal for a new Biblical Weights and Measures Act, which is now being considered by the Federal Bureau of Weights, Measures and Eyeball Approximations, would legislate the conversion of all public and private measurements from the current Imperial standard to biblical standards.
BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
Former President George W. Bush Credited With Saddam Hussein Acquittal
Baghdad, Iraq, April 22, 2010 -- Yesterday's surprising acquittal of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein on all counts has been linked to policies and procedures developed and used by former president George W. Bush, Lionel Thrush, a legal analyst with the Legal Analysis Institute for Legal Analysis, said today.
Deposed dictator Saddam Hussein thanking former president George W. Bush for inadvertently orchestrating his acquittal
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