Bill O'Reilly Wins Bill O'Reilly Award
Newark, February 12, 2008 -- Former television and radio broadcasting personality Bill O'Reilly announced today that the nationwide search for a winner in the prestigious first annual Bill O'Reilly Awards for Excellence in Broadcast Journalism has resulted in a surprise victor: Bill O'Reilly.
The Wingnut
In Surprise About-Face, Bill Clinton Backs Obama
Chicago, February 5, 2008 -- Astounding political pundits from Anchorage to Miami, former president Bill Clinton has rescinded his endorsement of spouse Hillary Clinton in favor of rock star Senator Barack Obama.
The endorsement, which some believe may create friction in the suburban Chappaqua home of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was explained by the former president as "a case of conscience over comfort."
President Sets Precedent With Preemptive Pardons
Washington, DC, October 31, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush followed yesterday in the footsteps of his predecessors by applying his traditional presidential power to absolve a number of friends and supporters of their criminal convictions. Included in the last-minute mercy package, however, was a novel twist: preemptive pardons.
Special Report: The 84th Annual Academy Awards
Kodak Theatre, Hollywood, CA, March 5, 2014 -- Drum roll, please. Mere minutes ago, the fateful envelopes were shred. The stars were studded, the gala splendiferous, the suspense: deadly.
Motorola Unveils Naomi Campbell Signature Line Assault Cell Phones
Las Vegas, April 7, 2007 -- At the CTIA Wireless 2007 Conference today, telecommunications giant Motorola revealed its latest technological innovation: the Naomi Campbell Signature Edition Assault Cell Phone.
The new cell phone line, according to a spokesman for Motorola, is intended to be "everything to everyone", cutting across demographics and income scales to provide a full-featured, stylish, durable combined wireless communications and personal protection device.
Pam Anderson Out-Pumps Arnold Schwarzenegger in California Governor Race
Sacramento, November 7, 2006 -- Pamela Anderson, the popular former Baywatch star, swimwear model, sex symbol and internet vacation video sensation, has trumped former body-builder and action movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger in the hotly contested race for governor of California.
Governor-elect Pamela Anderson
Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid
Ottawa, Kansas, April 6, 2008 -- The presidential campaign of dark-horse candidate Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) may be facing an new hurdle with the announcement that the virulently anti-abortion neo-conservative is pregnant. The Brownback pregnancy is, in the words of campaign press spokesman Diana Herodias, "really not part of the game plan and may create some serious challenges to our crusade for the White House".
In Light of Recent Extinctions, U.S. Adopts Bald Beagle as National Icon
Western Plastic, Wyoming, May 30, 2141 -- The United States Office of Patriotism-Enhancing Symbolism announced today that the nation, by executive order and congressional nod, has officially adopted the graceful and majestic bald beagle as its new national symbol, replacing the lamentably extinct bald eagle.
New Presidential Seal Featuring the Bald Beagle
BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
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