Nearly 21 Million Iraqis Not Yet Killed
Washington, D.C., November 4, 2006 -- In a press release issued today by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s special Office of Looking on the Bright Side, the administration pointed out that despite continuing widespread and escalating violence in the chaotic region, nearly 21 million Iraqis have not yet been killed or wounded.
This, while a decrease from the 21.5 million not yet killed or wounded highlighted in an earlier announcement, still represents, according to a Rumsfeld spokesmen, "a very large percentage of the populace thus far not yet killed or wounded."
U.S. Gun Manufacturers Win Right to Sue Shooting Victims
Washington, D.C., April 12, 2006 -- A controversial law passed yesterday by the Republican-dominated U.S. House of Representatives will give gun manufacturers the right to sue both perpetrators and victims of shootings for "defamatory product misuse". This new measure follows on the heels of a new "blank slate" law passed in 2005 absolving gun manufacturers of any legal liability in the event that their products, no matter how small, powerful, or easily concealed, obtained or abused, are used in the perpetration of violent crimes.
Cloned Schrödinger's Cats to Flatten Future Tsunamis
Upton, New York, March 29, 2009 -- A team of physicists at Brookhaven Lab in Upton, New York are currently developing a revolutionary system that will protect coastal areas of the world against future tsunamis using the unique quantum mechanical characteristics of physicist Erwin Schrödinger's cat. The system should be operational within three years or as soon as a sufficient number of Schrödinger's cats can be cloned, whichever comes first.
STRAI tsunami cat (interior view)
Bush Announces Immediate Withdrawal of U.S. Troops From Iraq
Washington, D.C., November 29, 2023 -- President Jeb Bush today announced plans to immediately withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq. The announcement will affect all 465,000 troops currently stationed throughout Iraqi territory, as well as the 194,800 troops fighting in the joint Iran-Iraq controlled friendship zone along the eastern Iraqi border and 86,000 in semi-autonomous Kurdistan. White House Press Secretary Jenna Bush said the troop withdrawal should be complete within five to seven weeks, "give or take a few years".
Dick Cheney Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
Washington, D.C., August 9, 2006 -- Vice President Dick Cheney has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Bush, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today. Cheney thereby joins the ranks of other top-level officials whom Bush has honored with the prestigious award, including former Iraq CPA head L. Paul Bremer, General Tommy Franks, and former CIA director George Tenet. Vice President Cheney issued no public response to the honor and has been unavailable for comment.
McDonald's Launches the McCockroach
Oak Brook, Illinois, April 12, 2096 -- McDonald's restaurants, responding to customer demand for healthier and more varied cuisine, have announced a new assortment of culinary selections, the McCockroach Collection.
New McDonald's McCockroach Big Bug Bite
The McCockroach will be test-launched at select franchises in three major metropolitan areas over the next five weeks, to be followed by a nationwide rollout heralded by an unprecedented 12-media crossover advertising campaign.
Additional Abu Ghraib Images Surface
Washington, DC, November 2, 2006 -- Just days before the U.S. midterm elections, previously unpublished images of abuse of Iraqi prisoners inside the U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad have surfaced. This represents the fourth time this year that Abu Ghraib torture images have been published and the timing could not have been worse for an already crippled Bush administration hoping to maintain what little hold they currently have on Congress.
Bush & Cheney Send Chocolates, Long-Stemmed Roses, $29 Billion to ExxonMobil
Washington, D.C., February 14, 2006 -- ExxonMobil executives were surprised today by a Valentine's Day gift from President Bush and Vice President Cheney containing Godiva chocolates, 24 exquisite long-stemmed roses, and a $29 billion corporate welfare grant package consisting of tax breaks, tax incentives, reduced taxes, rebates on taxes both paid and unpaid, and several freight trains filled with cash. A spokesman for the grateful oil conglomerate said the company was "pleased as punch" by the subsidy and "would have something real nice for the whole gang when the time comes."
China First With Citizen RFID Implants
Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.
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