New Wal-Mart Fitness Policy Breaks Ground for Employee Health
Bentonville, Arkansas, January 22, 2006 -- Wal-Mart's new employee fitness program has been a "dazzling success" in the first three months of its operation, a Wal-Mart spokesman, Chip Kraippe, said yesterday. The new policy, which was announced by the unusual means of a closely-held internal memo that was leaked in October of last year, dictates that all Wal-Mart employees are required to perform at least one hour of high-impact physical activity each day, regardless of their duty assignment.
Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds
Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077 -- The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively.
Reentry of Shuttle Diplomacy Burns NASA
Washington, D.C., October 2, 2006 -- The escalating feud between U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and NASA (the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) over the proposed use of Space Shuttle Atlantis for diplomatic purposes has tempers in both camps on the verge of explosion, NASA sources said today.
10 Worst Ideas and Inventions of 2008
Los Angeles, California January 15, 2009 -- As the saying goes, "for every good idea there are dozens of bad ideas." Rather than sort through the dozens of bad ideas and horrible inventions released onto the unwary public this year, the Avant News Consumer Advisory Committee along with the Avant News Public Awareness Department put together the following list of the 10 Worst Ideas and Inventions of 2008:
Pledging "Fresh, Clean Start", Disney Clones Britney
Burbank, CA, July 19, 2008 -- A spokesman for The Walt Disney Company, creator of erratic pop diva Britney Spears, said the company has decided to "cut its losses" and genetically engineer a new, improved Britney Spears using cutting-edge cloning technology.
Britney Spears (version I)
Rush Limbaugh Abducted by Dung Beetles, Presumed Eaten
New York, July 29, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the widely distributed right-wing radio and television commentator, was apparently abducted by a large swarm of dung beetles from his Manhattan studios yesterday. The abduction interrupted Limbaugh's regular afternoon live radio broadcast, resulting in several minutes of dead air which were subsequently filled by a Pat Robertson "700 Club" rebroadcast suggesting gays in the military should be used for target practice.
Rush Limbaugh, Dung Beetle (left, right)
Bill Frist Explains the Blind Trust (and Announces Presidential Candidacy)
Tachs-Yelter, Utah, December 22, 2005 -- Hi, Avant News Readers. I'm Senator Bill Frist, a United States Senator from the great state of Tennessee. Best of all, I'm Senate Majority Leader, which means I'm the most important of all the white male millionaires in tailored suits tasked with acting out the people's will until I get indicted, which we all know might not probably happen anytime soon.
Everyone on Planet an Incompetent Buffoon, Study Finds
Cedar Shingle, Nebraska, June 11, 2041 -- A major study recently concluded by the Institute for Highly Normal Phenomena has determined that every individual on the planet is an incompetent buffoon. The results, while unsurprising to most laymen, nonetheless confirm scientifically for the first time an impression that has been shared by most members of the human race since, approximately, the dawn of time.
Incompetence Chart: Incompetence Levels (People), as determined by Institute for Highly Normal Phenomena
Final Drafts of William Shakespeare's Manuscripts Found
Stratford-Upon-Avon, June 16, 2044 -- In the remains of a demolished pub on the outskirts of Stratford-Upon-Avon, a group of amateur archeologists have uncovered what may be the most sensational literary discovery of the century.
William Shakespeare. Good writer, bad editor.
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