Rapture Delayed Due to "Technical Issues"

Dubai, United Arab Emirates, February 9, 2010 -- God's spokesperson, Ermil Higgibilly, announced today that once again the rapture would be delayed. This latest calamity to befall God is expected to move back the time of the pretribulation rapture anywhere from a week to a month due to some 'technical issues' with God's website.Palm Jumeirah: God's home/headquarters is located on the fifth branch up on the left, fourth frond overPalm Jumeirah: God's home/headquarters is located on the fifth branch up on the left, fourth frond over

Study: American Celebrities Now Outnumber Fans

Los Angeles, March 19, 2010 -- Andy Warhol's famous phrase, “In the future, everyone will be fat and slightly stupid,” correctly prognosticated two alarming social trends that have led to a sharp rise in the incidences of heart disease, diabetes, right-wing talk radio and other obesity-related maladies among the ever-larger American populace.

What the eccentric 1960s pop artist failed to predict, however, is another trend that now has sociological statisticians scratching their unkempt scalps: the remarkable rise in short-term celebrity status among citizens from all walks of life.

The Hottest Trend in Fashion: Celebrity Organs

Los Angeles, CA, June 24, 2006 -- What do Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Angelina Jolie, Janet Jackson, Danica Patrick, Carrie Underwood, Anna Kournikova, Indy 500 star Michael Andretti, Bo Bice, Miss Universe and Kelly Ripa have in common? They've all signed on with designer Juliano Monteverde to launch a new line of Celebrity Signature Organs. For the first time ever, lucky dialysis patients will have the chance to sport a kidney signed by Kournikova, or a transplanted retina endorsed by Underwood. But the cost of celebrity organ fashion is steep, and the process not for the faint of heart.

Democrats To Launch National Exorcism Campaign

Washington, DC March 12, 2007 -- As Gov. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), and his staff looked through the results from the 2006 midterm elections and compared them to entrance and exit polls it became apparent that something wasn't right with this election. Once again, the Republicans overcame the odds and handed the Democrats a startling defeat in their bid to gain the majority in Congress.

Big Savings for Military Procurement Using "IKEA Model"

Hampton Roads, Virginia, July 22, 2017 -- US defense secretary Alberto Fulshrop said today that the military's adoption of the so-called "IKEA model" last year has resulted in military procurement savings close to the projected goal of 10%, or over $183 billion. Secretary Fulshrop hailed the program as a "sterling success, and a genuinely fun project for all the enthusiastic do-it-yourselfers in the services."

C17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New MexicoC17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New Mexico

Priest Caught Selling Absolution on eBay

Bronx, New York, May 12, 2009 -- A Catholic priest from the Norwood neighbourhood of Bronx, New York, has been charged with selling absolution via an account on eBay, the popular online auction website.

An example of Father Butler's laminated absolution cardAn example of Father Butler's laminated absolution card

Magician Disillusioned

Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.

The Lumache Mansion in Colon, MichiganThe Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan

Electric Goldfish Makes Waves In Robotics

Osaka, Japan, August 22, 2007 -- Engineers at Daikyo-Tonabayashi have confirmed the production of the first robot goldfish, years ahead of schedule. Recent developments in nanotechnology and the introduction of the Sentium microchip 80747 have made possible a breakthrough of extraordinary magnitude: a fully operational electronic tropical companion.

Recall Ordered Following Econo-Spleen Fatalities

Bentrix, Utah, June 29, 2072 -- The Consumer Product Safety Commission (Conprosafe) has ordered a recall of over 342,000 Econo-Spleen brand artificial spleens following a new surge in spleen-related deaths. The recall affects all Bentrix spleens manufactured and installed prior to April, 2069. Users of recently implanted Econo-Spleens are urged to immediately contact their local splenectomy center for identification and replacement. K. Uiloi Forfor 9b, Vice-Attaché for Lesser Organs at Bentrix, downplayed the recall as "trivial dissociative panic".

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