AutoChat Fills the Solo Driver's Cell Phone Void

Singapore, August 29, 2008 -- With worldwide automotive cell phone use becoming a thing of the past due to increasingly stringent safety restrictions, Singapore-based CarMate Industries has announced a new product that aims to fill the resulting void in conversation: AutoChat. AutoChat, according to company spokesman Ni Kwai, is a fully-automated, AI-capable automotive speaking companion mainly targeting solo drivers that can engage in lively and prolonged "real-time" conversations on a wide variety of topics.

National Knife Association Attacks School Violence

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Buford Falls, Ohio February 18, 2009 -- Clarence Rattleford has wielded knives on a daily basis for as long as he can remember and to his recollection neither he nor those around him have been in any danger because of it. Now the 73 year old retired soybean farmer and aspiring whittler is urging others to fight for their right to hold on to their knives.

Italy Pins Stability Hopes on Medfly

Rome, Italy, January 31, 2018 -- A spokesman pro tem for interim Prime Minister Mario Piccolo announced today that a long-term effort to modify the Constitution of Italy to improve political stability has at last been approved by outgoing members of the temporary Parliament.

Forza Italia candidate Giovanni LupitiniForza Italia candidate Giovanni Lupitini

Voting Machines To Be Scrapped For Applause-o-Meter

Pensacola, FL, April 22, 2007 -- Following a series of potentially flawed elections in which the integrity of voting machines was called into question, the Elections Board of Florida has made the decision to scrap the traditional voting process altogether and put in its place a new system, based on the Applause-o-Meter, with which they feel the voting public may be more comfortable.

Kermit Porter, spokesman for the Florida State Elections Commission, elaborates:

39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest

Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.

Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.

Blair Seeks Ban on Habits

London, December 2, 2006 -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today he will seek a ban on all public displays of habits, the traditional garments worn by monks and nuns, calling them "marks of separation".

Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)

Halliburton Subsidiary to Build North Korea's First Light-Water Reactor

Pyongyang, North Korea, November 5, 2006 -- A jubilant U.S. State Department announced today that the Halliburton subsidiary of Buhn & Dogale, a small ceramic figurine manufacturing firm located in the Cayman Islands, has been granted a coveted $3.2 billion no-bid contract to construct North Korea's first light-water nuclear reactor.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said key officials associated with the contract award, an important component of the recently signed North Korean Now You See Them Now You Don't Strategic Nuclear Arms Limitation Treaty, were "elated".

Priest Caught Selling Absolution on eBay

Bronx, New York, May 12, 2009 -- A Catholic priest from the Norwood neighbourhood of Bronx, New York, has been charged with selling absolution via an account on eBay, the popular online auction website.

An example of Father Butler's laminated absolution cardAn example of Father Butler's laminated absolution card

Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire

Austin, January 22, 2008 -- Texas Governor Rick Perry hailed the passage of strengthened air quality controls for Texas with a rousing public celebration yesterday featuring a Texas-style bonfire made entirely of recycled tires.

Houston, Texas (center)Houston, Texas (center)

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