Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".

Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:

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Malibu, October 31, 2037 -- The best-selling, most popular, top Halloween costume for this year is, for the eighth consecutive year, once again the mesmerizing, terrifying "Unenhanced Human" outfit. The complex Halloween costume, which mimics the appearance of a human being without any artificial improvements and can take up to two hours to put on, has been sold over 2.3 million times this year, a new record.

Sioux City, Iowa – March 29, 2019 – A three-year study performed by the respected Group for the Logical Reassessment of Paradoxical Phraseology (GLIBB) in Sioux City, Iowa has revealed that less is in fact less, rather than more, than more.

Van Gogh self-portrait: "lessened" version

The determination is expected to have a wide-reaching impact on the manufacture and distribution of homely aphorisms throughout the American Midwest, a $3 billion a year industry.

Bentrix, Utah, June 29, 2072 -- The Consumer Product Safety Commission (Conprosafe) has ordered a recall of over 342,000 Econo-Spleen brand artificial spleens following a new surge in spleen-related deaths. The recall affects all Bentrix spleens manufactured and installed prior to April, 2069. Users of recently implanted Econo-Spleens are urged to immediately contact their local splenectomy center for identification and replacement. K. Uiloi Forfor 9b, Vice-Attaché for Lesser Organs at Bentrix, downplayed the recall as "trivial dissociative panic".