Routine Oval Office Search Uncovers Used Harriet Miers Litmus Test

Washington, D.C., October 19, 2005 -- A routine sweep of the White House Oval Office, performed every second Tuesday by the president's Secret Service staff to detect bugging devices and explosives, unexpectedly turned up an embarrassing remnant yesterday near the presidential wastebasket: a used litmus test.

A litmus test similar to the one discovered in the Oval Office.: The actual results of the Miers litmus test have not been disclosed.

The litmus test, which was still damp, was determined to have been used to secretly determine Harriet Miers' positions on key issues, particularly her attitudes on the hot-button abortion issue, prior to her nomination to the Supreme Court by President George W. Bush. Some political pundits are already predicting that the telltale evidence may turn out to be George W. Bush's "blue dress".

The Harriet Miers litmus test, a small, thin strip of paper with a color coded scale ranging from "pro-choice" (blue) to "anti-abortion" (red), was still in good condition, although it had accumulated a thin coating of dust and pretzel crumbs from the Oval Office floor. DNA analysis of the strip confirmed that it had been used on Ms. Miers, while a moisture precipitation analysis proved the test had been applied prior to Bush's announcement of the Miers nomination.

The evidence is thus squarely at odds with President Bush's repeated assertions that he "has no litmus test", including the latest denial made during a brief press availability Monday in the White House Rose Garden, during which the president stated, "I did not have litmus with that woman, Ms. Miers."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stated at this morning's press gaggle that the results of the Miers litmus test will not be released, despite the fact that the existence of the test has now been made public.

"The president has made it very clear that he has no litmus test for Supreme Court nominees," said Mr. McClellan. "The discovery of the used litmus test for the current Supreme Court nominee in the president's office will have no effect on his position on the matter. The president intends to stand firm by his position that he will not have a litmus test for Supreme Court nominees, that the litmus test discovered to have been used on Ms. Miers is not the litmus test discovered to have been used on Ms. Miers, and that you're just trying to play a Plame game, a blame game, that is, when there are people who need our help, and that's his position, and he intends to stand by it. If he cuts and runs now, the terrorists will have won."

Some conservative columnists, however, were quick to challenge the White House on the litmus issue.

"Stop being such a jackass, Mr. President," wrote an irate Robert Novak, who is reportedly still touchy about his latest indictment in the Plamegate scandal. "If Ms. Miers is going to overturn Roe v Wade, just say so and we'll get behind you. But pussyfooting around the issue like this isn't winning you any friends, and it's not improving your current lame-duckery a single iota. The radical right can just as easily give its money to someone whose views they know they can count on, like Pat Robertson."

While Mr. McClellan remained adamant in his determination not to reveal the results of the Miers litmus test despite a growing groundswell of antagonism and resentment from hard-liners, he did appear to offer some subtly coded clues that could be interpreted by the radical right as supportive of their cause:

"President Bush will not reveal the results of the Harriet Miers litmus test, as I said before. The president fully believes Ms. Miers shares his political agenda, and that Ms. Miers will hit a home run for the home team, and that she embraces the same values embraced by President Bush, including but not limited to the president's belief in a culture of life. Wink, wink."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor