Whitefinger, Antartica, May 28, 2039 -- The second round of Australian nuclear testing is now underway, with the above ground detonation of a 200 megaton tactical nuclear device yesterday evening in the Whitefinger Proving Grounds near the Rumpled Territories of Western Antartica, a spokesman for the Australian Ministry of Defense announced today.

Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.

Washington, D.C., December 23, 2005 -- Lewis "Scooter" Libby was pardoned today in a surprise announcement by President George W. Bush. Libby, who had been indicted on five felony counts for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, and one misdemeanor charge involving an altercation with two lesbian cheerleaders, said "Yeah. Like I didn't see that one coming."

Washington, D.C., December 3, 2005 -- Chief Justice of the United States William H. Rehnquist died yesterday evening in an incident unrelated to the many life-threatening illnesses that plagued his last years of life. Chief Justice Rehnquist served as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court from 1972, when nominated by President Nixon, until 1986, when he assumed the post of Chief Justice following President Reagan's nomination. Rehnquist will continue to serve posthumously, a move those familiar with judicial praxis describe as "highly unusual".