Human Error Cited in Rove Exorcism SNAFU
Washington, D.C., November 27, 2007 -- Human error was cited as the cause of the latest failure to exorcise what leading demonologists have termed "an unprecedented can of infernal worms" from the tormented soul of White House Special Advisor Karl Rove.
Turns Out God Doesn't Particularly Care About Humans
Munich, November 2, 2019 -- The re-examination of a previously explored RNA genome code found on a rhinovirus, one of the class of viruses that cause the common cold, has revealed the surprising discovery that God is apparently not particularly interested in human beings at all, despite widespread belief to the contrary.
Human rhinovirus containing coded messages from God
In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch
Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.
The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.
In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan
Waziristan, Pakistan, July 22, 2009 -- After the emergence of a protest vacuum following the brutal slaying of Dr. George R. Tiller of Wichita, Kansas, the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue led by Troy Newman has relocated to the rocky outcrops of northwestern Afghanistan in order to "refocus" their "pro-life" efforts.
Innovative Weight Loss Book No Page-Turner
New York, September 9, 2010 -- With a diverse range of radically similar weight loss programs topping the bestseller charts this publishing season, finding a winner can be as hard as squeezing the creamy filling from an éclair while driving. Two titles, however, stand out from the pulpy mass: the innovative debut diet offering by Rod Sharpely, "40 lb.", and Augustus Phloughlop's popular "Eat Shit and Die", sequel to the 49-week number one bestseller of last year, "Drive to Your Car".
Metalloids Depose Noble Gases in Bloodless Revolution
Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".
Glorious Revolutionary Leader President King Antimony
A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".
Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
Bangcock, Maine, November 5, 2009 -- A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."
39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest
Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.
Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.
Shoplifting Blamed for Federal Budget Deficit
Washington, D.C., April 16, 2010 -- A report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has determined that everyday shoplifting is to blame for the bulk of the federal government's projected $434 billion 2010 budget deficit.
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