Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
Bangcock, Maine, November 5, 2009 -- A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."
Ford Motor Company Preemptively Recalls 6.1 Million 2011 Models
Dearborn, Michigan, August 29, 2009 -- A spokesman for Ford Motor Company announced today the preemptive recall of all 6.1 million model year 2011 cars expected to be produced under the company's flagship Ford brand next year.
The recall, which will affect all new Ford automobiles immediately upon leaving the assembly line, is intended to address "serious production, concept, engineering and safety flaws that we expect to come to light in the recent future", according to the spokesman.
Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.
China First With Citizen RFID Implants
Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.
Japanese Domestic Robot Performs Unwanted Extreme Home Makeover
Osaka, Japan, April 12, 2011 -- Honda Motor Company's technology division may soon face a legal challenge from an irate homeowner who claims his Honda ASIMO Series XII, a small, humanoid domestic robot, performed an "extreme home makeover" on the owner's suburban Osaka residence while the owner was away on business.
Kitchen of Mr. Ozaki's home following ASIMO makeover
Avant News Job Interview Tips: How to Fake the Liver Biopsy
Macon, Georgia, September 22, 2010 -- A recent survey performed by the Online Job-Seekers Bureau found that increasingly stringent rules for potential job applicants now frequently include such measures as requiring that liver biopsies, brain samples, and loyalty oaths be submitted along with a resume.A spokesman for the Online Job-Seekers Bureau said he found the trend "understandable, but troubling".
Ham Sandwich Inc. To Acquire IBM
Brockton, MA, March 3, 2011 -- Ham Sandwich Inc. announced today that it has signed a letter of intent to acquire all outstanding shares of common stock of International Business Machines Corp. (IBM) for $63 per share. The offer will be up for vote at a special meeting of shareholders scheduled for April 7, 2011. Should the tender be approved, the purchase will be the fifth major acquisition by Ham Sandwich this year, making it the 19th largest corporation in the world.
Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections
San Diego, November 9, 2006 -- Following the resounding defeat of Republican candidates in the 2006 midterm elections, President Bush hailed his party's victory during an epic speech this morning.
President Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 elections
Ford, GM to Acquire Each Other
Detroit, August 19, 2009 -- Automotive giants Ford Motor Company (F) and General Motors (GM) galvanized American stock markets early this afternoon with nearly simultaneous hostile bids to acquire each other.
Ford was out first, issuing a bid to buy all outstanding shares of GM for $40 a share, a 30% premium on Friday's closing price. Mere seconds later, GM announced a bid to acquire Ford for $9 a share, a 35% premium. Shares in both industrial giants skyrocketed during the subsequent buying frenzy.
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