Osaka, Japan, August 22, 2007 -- Engineers at Daikyo-Tonabayashi have confirmed the production of the first robot goldfish, years ahead of schedule. Recent developments in nanotechnology and the introduction of the Sentium microchip 80747 have made possible a breakthrough of extraordinary magnitude: a fully operational electronic tropical companion.

Redmond, Washington, April 29, 2006 -- Tom DeLay, the disgraced and indicted former exterminator turned former congressman who recently stepped down from his post as the disgraced former House Majority Leader in order to "spend time teaching orphans to gerrymander" has been hired by Microsoft Corp. to seek bugs in the long-awaited, cantankerous and top-heavy Microsoft Vista operating system, the long-overdue sequel to the long-despised, cantankerous and top-heavy Microsoft Windows XP.

Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.

Flint, Michigan, July 29, 2007 -- General Motors, the automotive behemoth that has been teetering precariously on the verge of bankruptcy for several years, will be taking the unusual step of diversifying its operations by launching an internet casino business in an effort to create a new cash cow that can be milked to keep its core operations alive.

According to Randy Mooman, spokesman for GM, the new casino is projected to provide sufficient revenue to keep GM afloat while it retools with new, more competitive automotive product lines.