God Loses Dice
Ron Paul Sweeps Republican Primary Elections in California, New York
Sacramento, February 6, 2008 -- Republican candidate for president Ron Paul swept the primary elections in several key states on Super Tuesday. The candidate, who despite the support of a fiercely loyal virtual following who, while avid internet users, are generally too young or too anti-government to vote, had been trailing distantly in California and New York polls prior to Super Tuesday.
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.
In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2008 -- An out-of-control American spy satellite that was due to be shot down this afternoon instead plummeted to earth and directly struck the cave hideout of international terrorist Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, killing him instantly, military officials reported today.
“It's what I would call an extremely happy coincidence,” Marine Gen. James E. Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said.
Weather Report for April 19, 2078
April 19, 2078
Eastern
Coastal areas of the United States should expect several small hurricanes running from Maine as far south as New Jersey. Winds to be averaging 60-80 mph, with peaks in the low hundreds. Temperature in the mid 90s.
Central
A low-pressure system over Indiana and Illinois will likely result in some unseasonable blizzards. Residents of southeastern Iowa are recommended to remain indoors during the late afternoon, due to the risk of high-speed hailstorms.
Bolton Pushes "Balcony Bling" Poverty Plan at U.N. Reform Conference
New York, September 17, 2005 -- U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John R. Bolton is making headlines and ruffling feathers this week with a controversial new poverty amelioration plan he terms "Balcony Bling". Bolton, who had been severely critical of U.N. efforts in most arenas prior to his recess appointment as United States representative to the organization, stresses that he sees the need for radical new approaches to, in his opinion, moribund U.N. activities such as the UNDP's poverty reduction program.
Bill O'Reilly Wins Bill O'Reilly Award
Newark, February 12, 2008 -- Former television and radio broadcasting personality Bill O'Reilly announced today that the nationwide search for a winner in the prestigious first annual Bill O'Reilly Awards for Excellence in Broadcast Journalism has resulted in a surprise victor: Bill O'Reilly.
The Wingnut
Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections
San Diego, November 9, 2006 -- Following the resounding defeat of Republican candidates in the 2006 midterm elections, President Bush hailed his party's victory during an epic speech this morning.
President Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 elections
In Surprise About-Face, Bill Clinton Backs Obama
Chicago, February 5, 2008 -- Astounding political pundits from Anchorage to Miami, former president Bill Clinton has rescinded his endorsement of spouse Hillary Clinton in favor of rock star Senator Barack Obama.
The endorsement, which some believe may create friction in the suburban Chappaqua home of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was explained by the former president as "a case of conscience over comfort."
Eternal Cruises Offers Unique Burial Alternative
Tampa, FL, June 30, 2008 -- The small and solemn multitude is clad in traditional blacks and grays, the voices muted, the music played at low volume and in a minor key. But two key factors set this familiar scene apart: enlivening each mourner's respectfully dreary attire is a brightly colored ring of tropical flowers; and the service is taking place on a wharf overlooked by the imposing bulk of one of the world's largest container ships, the 314-meter goliath Thanatos.
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