Former President George W. Bush Born Again, Again

Marshmallow, TX, Sept. 17, 2009 -- A spokesman for former President George W. Bush announced today the retired politician and oil industry lobbyist has enjoyed a new spiritual rebirth. This makes for Bush's fourth rebirth since his withdrawal from public life, and his fifth overall, giving him a two-rebirth lead over former Attorney General John Ashcroft.

"He's quite pleased with this particular spiritual reawakening," said the spokesman. "This one, the President assures me, is going to stick."

Former President Bush has started what may be a new trend in the Rapture industry, by extending the concept of Acceptance of the Savior into something more than a one-time event. He found his first application of the technique highly fruitful during his troubled early years, when a conversation with dazzlingly successful televangelist Billy Graham helped lead him to a life of spiritual contemplation and worship, thus erasing much of the residue of his decades of alcoholism, inertia, suspected drug abuse, and the general lollygagging characteristic of the wealthy, well-connected fraternity boy with no marketable skills.

Donning the mantle of the Born Again rid him of much of this unseemly baggage, and enabled him to capture the votes of the growing swath of American Christian moralists so pivotal to his elections during both terms.

Following the disclosures of high-level corruption, deceit, war crimes and other un-Christian behavior that led to his near-impeachment toward the latter half of his second term as president (resulting in the famous Congressional "Why-Bother?" vote of 2007), Bush apparently phoned Graham, requesting another conference, and in a second beachfront conversion re-embraced Jesus Christ as the Savior, thus clearing his moral slate once again.

The former President, however, experienced continued struggles with lawlessness and license during his months on the star-studded speech circuit following the conclusion of his second term, and was forced to turn to God additional times in order to ensure his inclusion in the Rapture. The several misdemeanors and felony convictions he collected during that period were, to his good fortune, overturned via Presidential Pardon.

"All of that is behind him now," said the spokesman. "Bush is avidly reading the Bible, sometimes a whole chapter every single day, and meeting with his study group at least once a month. He's more spiritual than ever, and that's saying a lot."

The frequency of Bush's returns to the spiritual realm have led the International Association of Evangelical Converters to issue him the first "Frequent Reborners Card", which provides the former President with a 20% discount on all conversions.

"It's a big help," said the spokesman. "Being born again doesn't come cheap, particularly when you look at the skyrocketing costs of healthcare in this country."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor